Wanna hear something crazy? I dreamed about Dustin last night. Its crazy because we have this connection. This unexplainable connection in life, where he's the one I want to talk to when things go really bad, and I'm the one he wants to talk to when he needs some answers. We don't bullshit each other, and we love each other. And at the same time, I guess that isn't entirely true, because there are many things that go unsaid between us. Since Dustin has really come in to my life and become a close friend, I have struggled with how I feel about him. I go back and forth a lot, because there are some valuable qualities in him, and there are some things I can't stand. My answer, of course, because I am an over-analytical, logic following person, is that I don't like him and am in-fact just lonely. But there's still a connection there, and I love him dearly. I guess I just get confused sometimes as to whether or not that feeling might be a little deeper. Consensus right now is that Dustin waters don't run deep.
So this prelude is to set you up for the dream I had last night, as it wigged me out. I had forgotten the specific dream, but I awoke this morning feeling like something monumental had happened in my dreamland, which I tend to feel very at home in. I waited around all morning for the dream to come to me again, as they usually do when I don't remember them first thing. And of course, Dustin triggered my memory.
The dream comes flooding back, as if it had actually happened:
I was at an old farm house, white, like the normal white farm house I tend to dream about. There was a sleepover commencing, with lots of men and women. I say men and women, but really they were just all my 20-something friends. Natalie Wanner was there, I really love her. A lot of the clarkies were there, sleeping in a circle with thier heads in the middle like in a picture I took once. They were all outside, and the night was beautiful. There were others inside, Yogi was playing with someone, Dustin was there, my Aunt Sandy popped up, just tons of people going in and out, causing cacophony. At some point I was also in a video store and was trying to learn how to throw a baseball or something of that nature, and my balding boss in a blue vest was trying to help me, but that was just a little blip. Unimportant white noise, I should say... So I was talking with Dustin in our usual style, trying to deconstruct the world and make sense of all its compartments when I made mention to him that I was really lonely. And I wondered if I was ever going to get this love stuff right. (Last night, in real life, I guess I was feeling down because Mike has been so in my universe lately, and Dustin noticed. He wanted so badly to help but I told him honestly there wasn't anything he could do, and I didn't want to talk about it anymore than I have. He's worried about me, but I know Mike is something I have to get over on my own and in my own time.) So in this dream of mine, I opened up to him, because I wouldn't do it in the real world, and he responded in a rather unpredictable way. He gave me a tape. The kind of tape that you listened to when you were young before the glory days of the CD. He said something nonchalant, like "here this might help you," and walked to an adjoining room. So there I was standing near the back door in the kitchen/living room area, and I knew Dustin was right around the corner waiting for me to play this tape and feel better. As often times in my dream world, exactly what I needed merely appeared and I suddenly had a tape player. I began to listen. He might have been singing, and there might have been inspirational speeches involved, or words of comfort, but near the end of the tape, Dustin's voice came through the speakers. "And maybe you could just date me," he revealed. He plead, "We should be dating each other." That second line isn't quite right, but it had that feel. I didn't know what to do. I knew Dustin was close enough he could hear every word of his tape for me. I could see the look on my face, and it was complete shock. Then I could see the look on Dustin's face, though he wasn't in the room with me. It was his questioning face. That face he gets when he poses a question that he already knows the answer to, and wants you to figure it out. Legit. It was that face, only softer. Like my realizing or not realizing would make or break him. Part of me wanted to walk in to that room and question him. Why now? Why wait so long? Are you for real? What about this girl or that girl? What about you always get sick of people? What if I say no? But I didn't do any of that. I grabbed the polished brass doorknob and bounded down the back steps to the clarkies. I settled right in with Holly, Liz, and Natalie, but Jenna, Anna, and Jamie weren't far away. I told them what had just happened. And the interesting twist here isn't the fact that Dustin revealed his feelings for me, or that the clark girls were in my dream, its that i BOUNDED down the steps. I floated to those girls and landed with a deep sigh and a smile plastered on my face. As I recounted what had just happened, I was so happy. Elated that it had finally been put out there, astounded that it had actually happened. And though I don't know the conclusion or what advice the girls might have given me, I knew my plan was to march right back in there and make it happen. And this knowledge... of the dream me's reaction to Dustin and his secret... terrifies me a little.
Motherpeace
I did a tarot card reading on myself tonight, because I've had a lot of questions I've needed answered. Here's the results:
1. Significator (who/where you are at the moment): Daughter of swords, inverted- impatient and frustrated by difficulty, wants action at any cost. attitudes may turn obstacles and delays into anger and defeat
2. Atmosphere (event or action for reading): Priestess of Swords, upright- clear about purpose and direction. can be alone and stay responsible and connected to others. has integrity by knowing how to have joy and discipline. she sends out her wishes and desires.
3. Crosscurrent (lessons of cycle): 7 of discs, tilted right- woman waits for baby to be born and melons to ripen, she's pushing the birth
4. Root (unconsciously standing on): Daughter of cups, sideways close to inverted- not open now. may be unaware of why she's closed. may feel like she needs a lot and can't get enough, may feel lonely despairing and overworked
5. Passing away (event in past week): 5 of swords, sideways- she uses some control or discipline to change a pattern
6. Sky (personality/behavior in world/spirit connection): Son cups, sideways- not able to completely focus inside self. withdrawn but not entirely at peace.
7. Near future (tomorrow/next week): 10 of wands, upright- extreme output of energy and can perhaps go too far. taken on too much at once? need to pay attention to effects, especially on nervous system
8. Self concept (in harmony or conflict with significator): XI strength, tilted left but upright- inner fire/desire effects transformations through powerful unseen magic. she uses this energy without fear because she feels a deep connection to community and the earth. archetypal free and independent woman who knows how to use the life froce, chi, kundalini energy.
9. Hopes and fears: 5 of discs, upright- in a waiting time, with tendency to worry. can do simply and basic tasks to ground and calm herself. may be feeling stress about survival, money, or something shes not getting enough of.
10. House (energy I am drawing to self as help or hinder): VIII justice, sideways- there is some doubt that things are going to turn out right, and that the universe and she will get what they need
11. Outcome (minor arcana): 9 of discs, upright- healer woman goes to desert to make sand painting. she is in a solitary and creative period. connected to her healing and artistic abilities, and may want to be outside among the non-human creatures.
1. Significator (who/where you are at the moment): Daughter of swords, inverted- impatient and frustrated by difficulty, wants action at any cost. attitudes may turn obstacles and delays into anger and defeat
2. Atmosphere (event or action for reading): Priestess of Swords, upright- clear about purpose and direction. can be alone and stay responsible and connected to others. has integrity by knowing how to have joy and discipline. she sends out her wishes and desires.
3. Crosscurrent (lessons of cycle): 7 of discs, tilted right- woman waits for baby to be born and melons to ripen, she's pushing the birth
4. Root (unconsciously standing on): Daughter of cups, sideways close to inverted- not open now. may be unaware of why she's closed. may feel like she needs a lot and can't get enough, may feel lonely despairing and overworked
5. Passing away (event in past week): 5 of swords, sideways- she uses some control or discipline to change a pattern
6. Sky (personality/behavior in world/spirit connection): Son cups, sideways- not able to completely focus inside self. withdrawn but not entirely at peace.
7. Near future (tomorrow/next week): 10 of wands, upright- extreme output of energy and can perhaps go too far. taken on too much at once? need to pay attention to effects, especially on nervous system
8. Self concept (in harmony or conflict with significator): XI strength, tilted left but upright- inner fire/desire effects transformations through powerful unseen magic. she uses this energy without fear because she feels a deep connection to community and the earth. archetypal free and independent woman who knows how to use the life froce, chi, kundalini energy.
9. Hopes and fears: 5 of discs, upright- in a waiting time, with tendency to worry. can do simply and basic tasks to ground and calm herself. may be feeling stress about survival, money, or something shes not getting enough of.
10. House (energy I am drawing to self as help or hinder): VIII justice, sideways- there is some doubt that things are going to turn out right, and that the universe and she will get what they need
11. Outcome (minor arcana): 9 of discs, upright- healer woman goes to desert to make sand painting. she is in a solitary and creative period. connected to her healing and artistic abilities, and may want to be outside among the non-human creatures.
Iowa City Dreamin'
In Iowa City with my best friend Diana, and last night was my first night sleeping again on her old comfortable couch that I know so well. Perhaps a dangerous cocktail of travel, music, and too many episodes of LOST lead to what happened next, or maybe it was a message. I haven't decided yet. But I fell asleep and dreamed all night. One dream.
Someone, a girl, was getting married. I was part of her wedding party. It was before her wedding, and we were all painting the town red. There were some I knew in real life, and some I knew only in my dream, and there was Mike. In the past week I have dreamed about Mike more than I ever have. What it means, I don't know, but its happening. We went all over the town, did everything. Then, we went to dinner. We waited for so long to get our table. We finally sat. I tried so hard to reconnect with Mike, but he kept me at bay. He mentioned little things about moving away, being with Alex, and then he said... in three years I'll do this and this and this, and then I'll get her a better ring. Implying his intention to marry her. There was another wedding party at the restaurant, and we joined them after our bride got mad at us for not having a chair for her at our table. I thought she was being unreasonable, because we didn't really realize we didn't have a chair for her, and she wouldn't sit in the one we brought to the table when we realized our error. We all ate the other wedding party's cake and danced. It was fun, I felt drunk. We all went back to the girl's house to party the night away. The whole time I tried to reconnect with Mike. I wanted to know everything, and I listened intently to every little detail he said so that I might get some insight into all of the time I've missed. I was feeling down, and beaten, and defeated. It hurt so much that I was standing there in his life again, and he wanted nothing to do with me. He didn't even look at me with recognition, let alone apologize for all that has happened between us. He didn't care if we were ever part of each other's lives again. And I could feel that with each passing minute. The night was drawing to a close. People started leaving. Suddenly, I couldn't find Mike anywhere. He had gone. My heart sunk, and I was expecting at least... something. I walked outside to find him and saw him in his car pulling away. I knew that was it, and it broke my heart. I started walking. Walking for a long time, just trying to get to something. My car? Or something a bit more transcendent? Then suddenly, I was a bird, and I started running. And as I ran a started flashing like lightening. It happened faster... and faster... and I ran further and further, until I was a burning ball of electricity instead of a bird. And then I burst in to flames and suddenly I could fly. And I saw myself in the air flying higher and higher until I burst even more in to fire and became bigger and bigger and flew far off in the distance.
Someone, a girl, was getting married. I was part of her wedding party. It was before her wedding, and we were all painting the town red. There were some I knew in real life, and some I knew only in my dream, and there was Mike. In the past week I have dreamed about Mike more than I ever have. What it means, I don't know, but its happening. We went all over the town, did everything. Then, we went to dinner. We waited for so long to get our table. We finally sat. I tried so hard to reconnect with Mike, but he kept me at bay. He mentioned little things about moving away, being with Alex, and then he said... in three years I'll do this and this and this, and then I'll get her a better ring. Implying his intention to marry her. There was another wedding party at the restaurant, and we joined them after our bride got mad at us for not having a chair for her at our table. I thought she was being unreasonable, because we didn't really realize we didn't have a chair for her, and she wouldn't sit in the one we brought to the table when we realized our error. We all ate the other wedding party's cake and danced. It was fun, I felt drunk. We all went back to the girl's house to party the night away. The whole time I tried to reconnect with Mike. I wanted to know everything, and I listened intently to every little detail he said so that I might get some insight into all of the time I've missed. I was feeling down, and beaten, and defeated. It hurt so much that I was standing there in his life again, and he wanted nothing to do with me. He didn't even look at me with recognition, let alone apologize for all that has happened between us. He didn't care if we were ever part of each other's lives again. And I could feel that with each passing minute. The night was drawing to a close. People started leaving. Suddenly, I couldn't find Mike anywhere. He had gone. My heart sunk, and I was expecting at least... something. I walked outside to find him and saw him in his car pulling away. I knew that was it, and it broke my heart. I started walking. Walking for a long time, just trying to get to something. My car? Or something a bit more transcendent? Then suddenly, I was a bird, and I started running. And as I ran a started flashing like lightening. It happened faster... and faster... and I ran further and further, until I was a burning ball of electricity instead of a bird. And then I burst in to flames and suddenly I could fly. And I saw myself in the air flying higher and higher until I burst even more in to fire and became bigger and bigger and flew far off in the distance.
Katy Speaks (Volumes)
Alex moved to Chicago today, I saw it on Facebook. I hate facebook so much. I give it everything and it only makes me sad. Much like most of the men I've had in my life, which stands to reason, then, how Facebook was created by a man. I amuse myself with tangents, and I apologize. Seeing Alex's status today got me wondering about Mike. His status is "misses her and cannot wait to go to Chicago." Alexxxxxx. I've been so heartbroken over Mike lately, and it's so unfair because it's too late. Alex is good to him, and gives him just what he needs. But we were better together. I was just young, I wasn't ready. I'm paying now. But mom called to see what I was up to today and I asked her if she knew Alex was moving to Chicago, and if she knew Mike's plans. Alex and Mike had lived together in Virginia, so I assumed they'd continue, knowing Mike secretly hopes to be married by 25 and the clock is ticking. Mom made some off-handed comment about Mike and Alex, and I jumped on it. "They spent tons of time apart over the past year and were fine, I don't think he's moving to Chicago," she said. "Precisely the reason they've lasted so long," I responded. We agreed she was what he needed at the time, but she is crazy and he could have done better. "I don't want him to marry her," I said next. "I don't know why it bothers me so much," though it was a lie. I know just why it gets to me. Its so obvious I don't even need to say it out loud to her. Mom agrees, "I don't know why it bothers you so much, either," she continues the lie for my sake, "but it does." And then she said something I didn't expect, and certainly didn't want to hear. "You could have had him, you know." And I know. We all know. Except the problem now is that I want him. And for reasons I know I'll never understand, I didn't want him before. Not like that. I said, "I guess its just a classic example of wanting what I can't have," I posed to mom. "I think you're right," she knows I'm fibbing, "but I'm not sure he was it." Holding back tears, because I just don't want her to know how much his absence still hurts, I manage to choke, "I respectfully disagree." "You might be right, baby," was all I managed to hear through the ringing in my head.
Mike, I miss you so much.
Mike, I miss you so much.
Cyanide and Happiness is Fantastic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
What's the song in your head? Does it push you to do great things? Talk to a person you never would? Or does it simply remind you how lucky you are to be breathing?
The Beast, The Jellyfish, and The Lamb: NOT a children's book
So in April 2007 I got kicked out of my apartment by a cRrRrRRrRrrazy person, a jellyfish, and a sheep. And something Crazy had said to me stayed with me for a long time because I wondered if other, more sane, people might agree. Crazy said to me something about how I act superior...how I've got to be better than everyone, or I think I'm better than everyone, something along those lines... but her example was school. Of all things, my studies? Please, if anything, I act superior to peoples morals... I know it. And I feel it. I'm not going to pretend that I don't think I'm a better human being than I lot of the scum-suckers out there, because I really do think I'm superior to some. She didn't even know me well enough to highlight my ACTUAL egocentricities, she had to make something up? Fail, psycho hose beast. Anyway, she said i talked down her LAMB of a boyfriend's major... Geology, because I took a Geology class and said it was 'so easy, any idiot could be a geologist.' Like 'any idiot could be a geologist' is even in my syntax repertoire. Lord. Thus ensues the torrent of proof that my former roommate suffers from dimentia, because I practically failed my Geology class as it was so intense. And I even complained 'DAMN i thought this INTRO 101 CLASS was going to be easy and it's rocking (ha) my face off!' It was a 101 class, I was a sophomore, I thought I would be fine. But Geology is a hard subject for me! Cue the lamb, who is a Geo major and my one-time best friend. I asked for his help because he's brilliant and loves Geology, and he knew how to speak my language so I'd understand. And like I wouldn't take any excuse I could to get just a LITTLE bit of one on one time away from HER? She wasn't even appreciative of the fact that I handed her this wonderful famous-last-name-toting boyfriend on a silver platter with a full user's guide. She wasn't a good person. So, when all of this happened April 31st, 2007, I was appalled when the one-time-best-friend-turned-sex-addicted-baby-sheep backed every last word Crazy said, including the horrible misrepresentation and defamation of my character. Something John swore he would never let ANYONE get away with. Which brings me to my pain-staking point; I was feeling (sadly, not) unusually nostalgic tonight and went through the old message exchanges between John and I. And some of them were so funny they brought me back to this place where I missed him so much. Some were so lovely they brought me to tears. We said I love you, I'm always here for you, I've never met anyone like you... once rich, heartfelt words that are trunk moths now. But in the midst of all those memories, I found a message in conjunction with my verbal pleading of John and his expertise to get me through Geology:
John Emery DeLong
January 8, 2007 at 12:04pm
What is the formal name of the class? History of the Earth, Enviromental Diasters, or Intro. to Geology. I need answers if Im going to be able to help. Damnit mandie!
Carl, your tutor?
Mandie Murphy
January 8, 2007 at 4:43pm
Geology 101: Environmental. I have to do Calibrated Peer Reviews, exercises from a CD, pop-quizzes (which i typo-ed just now as poop-quizzes), and papers! Not to mention the normal stuff like 4 tests and an applicatory final! I will be enlisting my smart and ever so sweet best friend for his help. :)
Even though it's a year and 8 months later, I still feel better somehow, now that I know this is out there and that I stumbled upon it like I did, when I was really feeling down. And yet... it makes me so sad. Because I also found a message where John and I argued over how I could so easily erase Nick from my life and my explanation to John was that I was so tired of people always making decisions that effect my heart when I'm not even the one throwing around the ultimatum. Mikey and Kim Topp did it when it came to Aly and Shannon, Mike did it when it came to Alexandra, Luke did it, Meghan did it, and now... John fits in to that category too. I never asked him to choose, but without hesitation he backed everything she said, even though I'm looking at the very words we said that disprove her lies. And sadly, I erased John from my life even more successfully than I have Nick because I will speak to Nick if he's unfortunate enough to come in to my vicinity. Poor John would never see that civility. With his final words of, 'I guess this is it,' he solidified our fate. He broke my heart so many times that year with everything that happened between us, that with sam slapped on as our proverbial icing on the cake, it just hurt too much to stay. Not to mention I was banished by her, and he uttered nothing in my defense. Yet I thought our friendship could make it through anything, I really did. And every word I ever said to him, I said with conviction, truth, and so much heart. And he loved me despite all of that. He accepted and admired my grit and quirks, and flaws. Until that fateful fucking day when he threw himself in to my history book as one of the greatest heartbreaks of my life. I guess, in a strange way that's probably what he wanted. For my heart to break as much as his had. For me to feel for him how I felt for Tunink, Mahler, and Nick. They hurt my feelings because they didn't like me back. Nick destroyed me for... well, a lot of things, but John... he really did a number on me. Really knocked me down to nothing. And its something that I haven't 100% gotten up from, but having pieces and glimpses like that one I'm sharing here... well... I hope they help me in the resilience department.
John Emery DeLong
January 8, 2007 at 12:04pm
What is the formal name of the class? History of the Earth, Enviromental Diasters, or Intro. to Geology. I need answers if Im going to be able to help. Damnit mandie!
Carl, your tutor?
Mandie Murphy
January 8, 2007 at 4:43pm
Geology 101: Environmental. I have to do Calibrated Peer Reviews, exercises from a CD, pop-quizzes (which i typo-ed just now as poop-quizzes), and papers! Not to mention the normal stuff like 4 tests and an applicatory final! I will be enlisting my smart and ever so sweet best friend for his help. :)
Even though it's a year and 8 months later, I still feel better somehow, now that I know this is out there and that I stumbled upon it like I did, when I was really feeling down. And yet... it makes me so sad. Because I also found a message where John and I argued over how I could so easily erase Nick from my life and my explanation to John was that I was so tired of people always making decisions that effect my heart when I'm not even the one throwing around the ultimatum. Mikey and Kim Topp did it when it came to Aly and Shannon, Mike did it when it came to Alexandra, Luke did it, Meghan did it, and now... John fits in to that category too. I never asked him to choose, but without hesitation he backed everything she said, even though I'm looking at the very words we said that disprove her lies. And sadly, I erased John from my life even more successfully than I have Nick because I will speak to Nick if he's unfortunate enough to come in to my vicinity. Poor John would never see that civility. With his final words of, 'I guess this is it,' he solidified our fate. He broke my heart so many times that year with everything that happened between us, that with sam slapped on as our proverbial icing on the cake, it just hurt too much to stay. Not to mention I was banished by her, and he uttered nothing in my defense. Yet I thought our friendship could make it through anything, I really did. And every word I ever said to him, I said with conviction, truth, and so much heart. And he loved me despite all of that. He accepted and admired my grit and quirks, and flaws. Until that fateful fucking day when he threw himself in to my history book as one of the greatest heartbreaks of my life. I guess, in a strange way that's probably what he wanted. For my heart to break as much as his had. For me to feel for him how I felt for Tunink, Mahler, and Nick. They hurt my feelings because they didn't like me back. Nick destroyed me for... well, a lot of things, but John... he really did a number on me. Really knocked me down to nothing. And its something that I haven't 100% gotten up from, but having pieces and glimpses like that one I'm sharing here... well... I hope they help me in the resilience department.
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