signifactor: priestess of discs reversed, she is doing yoga and other inner work to take care of herself. she's not feeling well. perhaps she doesn't know what she needs or is not aware of her body. it is not a time to take care of others, as she is the one who needs attention.
atmosphere: priestess of wands tilt left, made it rain with the help of the lion to renew the life and energy in her community. she is unsure of what she is supposed to do and not seeing a clear direction.
crosscurrent: high priestess tilt right, trying to stay connected to her unconscious and inner world, perhaps she seeks ways to tap in to her dreams and inspirations.
root: 8 of swords, a woman breaks her sword against a wall that she invented. crows laugh and offer a way out if she would only look around. she boxes herself in with a mental picture. the walls she constructed around herself are not real. perhaps she approaches something to directly or in to linear a way. maybe she is experiencing recurring anxiety dreams or other very human dilemmas.
passing away: 9 of discs, healer woman comes to desert to paint. in a solitary and creative period. connected to healing and artistic abilities and may want to be outside among non-human creaturs.
sky: tower tilt left, sits on a tower that will soon crumble, struck by lightenening and has a vision, tells people how to get to their new home. comes in to changes slowly or with hesitation.
near future: 10 of discs tilt right, women of community gather to welcome new life as woman has a baby. she and community are actively pushing something out in to the world.
self-concept: 5 of wands tilt left,
hopes and fears: shaman of discs tilt right
house: 7 of discs tilt left
outcome: judgement reversed
A sad thing.
I was driving home from class tonight, and the feeling struck me that I would like to see Trevor. Maybe its that I'm done feeling sad about our end, or I'm done being mad at him, or maybe its just that my last post brought up so many memories that I want to try to bring them back. But now I want to see him. Hang out with him. Like old times, when he was my best friend. I hung out with Kelly and Kami for a bit tonight and told Kami that I wanted to see him. At least let him know there are no hard feelings. Honestly, how can you have hard feelings toward a man who was severely abused growing up? Its not his fault, and I know that now. I miss how he made me laugh, and the goofy inside jokes we had. I don't want to ever go back to anything like it was before, but I wish we could have a friendship again. Kami thinks this would be a good thing. Then, she told me something that made me sad for Trevor. She sees him every once and awhile, and over lunch the other day he told her that he doesn't like his girlfriend. She's really slow at warming up. She doesn't open up. She doesn't share. She's closed down. She said "you shouldn't stay in something that doesn't make you happy." He said he was going to give it another couple of months just to be sure. And that is so sad. He would rather be in a relationship where he is bored and not in love, than be alone. What's the point of being in a relationship then?? He is THAT scared of being alone. Its heartbreaking.
And then a sliver of a thought graced me, she's the exact opposite of me. In every way. And I said to Kami, "nothing will live up to me." And I meant it. I'm the only one who has ever truly loved Trevor, he knows it, and he let me go. Its so sad. That must hurt. And I almost feel bad that I've moved on and that I'm not in love with him anymore, because he deserves so much to have love like I was willing and ready to give him. I would like to be his friend, though. He does have value even though its not as a boyfriend, and there was such a connection there, that I don't want to just forget him.
And then a sliver of a thought graced me, she's the exact opposite of me. In every way. And I said to Kami, "nothing will live up to me." And I meant it. I'm the only one who has ever truly loved Trevor, he knows it, and he let me go. Its so sad. That must hurt. And I almost feel bad that I've moved on and that I'm not in love with him anymore, because he deserves so much to have love like I was willing and ready to give him. I would like to be his friend, though. He does have value even though its not as a boyfriend, and there was such a connection there, that I don't want to just forget him.
Facebook, bane of my existence.
I really hate facebook, and yet I rely on it so heavily. It doesn't let you forget one single thing, you know? Not one. single. thing. In fact, it does quite the opposite, inviting you in with a warm smile and a caring embrace, leading you to believe that you will feel GOOD after an encounter, when really its just waiting to punch you square in the face. I don't know WHY I did this, or WHY I keep doing this to myself, but I am obsessed with reading the old messages in my inbox between me and people who are no longer in my life. I haven't even considered reading Aisha's until just now, but tonight it dawned on me to read Trevor's. It made me sad. I don't miss this Trevor. He's a chameleon and very good at wearing different hats, so that's not an issue. I don't miss the guy I dated, at all. I do miss being in love, but that's not about him. What is about him, however, is that I miss with everything in me the summer of '07. I miss it so much. When I was Sara and he was Mark and Yogi had just gotten his nickname and Trevor and I danced around the fact that both of us were mad about each other. I miss that so much. I miss the night Trevor called me to come sleep with him, and though I had never wanted anything more, I left his bed because I wouldn't do that to Chelsea. I miss the subtext between phrases like "if you believe no girl likes you then you are blind." I miss laying under the stars, playing volleyball, taking afternoon naps, and believing that when we finally got together, it would last forever. I remember when summer came to a close, and Trevor and I had our come-to-jesus under the arches in the rain. Our spot. I remember feeling like this was it. That I would never hurt so bad, but I felt so lucky that he was still in my life. This time, I didn't have that. I just have the knowledge that it is the end of one great era, and that it is over and lost to my memories. And I don't have my dear friend Mark anymore. What's worse is that it would hurt too much to be friends with him now. I don't know if that will ever change, but the longing that I have isn't for him as a lover. He was a terrible lover, and an even worse match for me, but I do miss the friendship. And the feeling that anything with him was possible if only we could get off the ground. That magic isn't in my life anymore. I don't have that connection with anyone like I felt with him in the beginning. There was something that drew us to one another, no matter how hard it was in the end, and I miss that so much. Like I said, I really shouldn't allow myself to use facebook as a means to self-mutilate as I do. But I can't help it. I miss 2007 Trevor so much and there's no way to ever get that person back, ever, except for in my letters. It's all I've got. I just wonder when I'm not going to need them anymore. I still miss John and Nick, for God's sake. I don't know if I could simply add another name to the list of people I will always ache for. I don't think my poor heart could take it. So to John, Nick, Mike, and now sadly, Trevor 2007; Oh god, I miss you! Listen closely as I scream this out in words that you may never hear, I would give anything for even one more moment of you when times were good. You meant so much and more to me, and always will.
Wedding Album Destiny
So things just keep cropping up. I was on facebook this morning, and my feed showed me comments on photos from a family friend Emily Edwards. She was commenting on photos that Sarah Sexton put up from her wedding years ago. Ellie was in her wedding. She looked so beautiful and I wanted to see as much of her as I could. I kept clicking and then came to an image of Sarah preparing for the wedding. The caption on the photo was "i got a bruise from my insulin the day before my wedding. great" something like that and i said out-loud, "omg she's got type 1." it hit me like bricks. it's everywhere lately. just like that. and it tells me that i am just where i need to be.
French Kiss Fate
So, every one knows I'm in love with Tom Selleck, but no one, and I mean no one, knows how much I love Kevin Klein. Except for maybe my momma. And I have been on a Kevin Klein kick for about a week now, replaying French Kiss in my DVD player over and over and over. So I found out on TV today that Des Moines' Walk to Cure Diabetes is March 7th this year, and when I went to register for the walk I found out the JDRF'S National Walk Chairman is none other than Kevin Klein! His son has T1D and he is a huge activist. WTF? Why did I spend so much time pretending not to be diabetic. There's so much going on that I missed out on!!
Tarot Reading
1. signifactor- right tilted, almost inverted Ace of Wands (baby is born and fire ignites new life): she may feel she has more energy than she knows what to do with but cant feel or activate her passion, fire, or creativity. may not want to express anger or other strong emotions or there may be a fear of expressing active sexual energy
2. atmosphere- left tilt Ace of Swords (woman balances on sword while butterfly guides her vision): she holds back on taking action, may be self destructive
3. crosscurrent- right tilt 9 of Discs (woman goes to desert to paint): she's very busy with her creative energy
4. root- inverted XV Devil- the devil breaks free from constraint and overcomes what has kept him down. his patterns or bonds are broken, freeing his spirit from a collective shadow to be able to create a new, more useful structure.
5. passing away- Ace of Cups (a woman dives in to a cup of self-love and it spills over onto mated swans):she loves herself, she feels some extra push or expansion in her heart
6. sky- left tilt almost inverted XXI World (she takes her place among the children of the earth): may be moving toward a completion w/ disbelief the work is done esp if has been difficult. may not realize magnitude of ending this cycle in her life, may be unaware of where she is so she doesn't realize she's completed something. may feel like hlding on to old familiar ways for awhile longer.
7. near future- inverted 6 of Cups: she can't find a way to express herself. old wounds or memories may be in her way. may feel unsafe or inhibited. may have retreated into formality and superficial interactions. may not be fully trusting herself to come out with how she feels.
8. self-concept- inverted 9 of Wands: she is run down and her energy is depleted, she needs to revitalize herself
9. hopes and fears- tilted left, VI Lovers (Major Arcana, lovers know all is right with the world and they are at peace): holding back for fear of rejection. not trusting their hearts, perhaps don't trust their choices.
10.house- Son of Discs (he is focused on hitting the center of the target): he knows what he wants and is willing to work for it. he focuses on specific goals in a meticulous, grounded, confident, and fair way.
11.outcome- Daughter of Cups: she feels the innocent joy in her body and sexuality as well as the ecstatic pleasure of being in nature's beauty. she is radiating joy to others. she is attractive and charismatic.
2. atmosphere- left tilt Ace of Swords (woman balances on sword while butterfly guides her vision): she holds back on taking action, may be self destructive
3. crosscurrent- right tilt 9 of Discs (woman goes to desert to paint): she's very busy with her creative energy
4. root- inverted XV Devil- the devil breaks free from constraint and overcomes what has kept him down. his patterns or bonds are broken, freeing his spirit from a collective shadow to be able to create a new, more useful structure.
5. passing away- Ace of Cups (a woman dives in to a cup of self-love and it spills over onto mated swans):she loves herself, she feels some extra push or expansion in her heart
6. sky- left tilt almost inverted XXI World (she takes her place among the children of the earth): may be moving toward a completion w/ disbelief the work is done esp if has been difficult. may not realize magnitude of ending this cycle in her life, may be unaware of where she is so she doesn't realize she's completed something. may feel like hlding on to old familiar ways for awhile longer.
7. near future- inverted 6 of Cups: she can't find a way to express herself. old wounds or memories may be in her way. may feel unsafe or inhibited. may have retreated into formality and superficial interactions. may not be fully trusting herself to come out with how she feels.
8. self-concept- inverted 9 of Wands: she is run down and her energy is depleted, she needs to revitalize herself
9. hopes and fears- tilted left, VI Lovers (Major Arcana, lovers know all is right with the world and they are at peace): holding back for fear of rejection. not trusting their hearts, perhaps don't trust their choices.
10.house- Son of Discs (he is focused on hitting the center of the target): he knows what he wants and is willing to work for it. he focuses on specific goals in a meticulous, grounded, confident, and fair way.
11.outcome- Daughter of Cups: she feels the innocent joy in her body and sexuality as well as the ecstatic pleasure of being in nature's beauty. she is radiating joy to others. she is attractive and charismatic.
More Roommates
oh fuck. what am i doing with my life? so next year, and by next year i mean as early as may 31st, Yogi and I will be moving in with Mike Aguilar and DUSTIN. i am trying my hardest to convince myself that living with Dustin will only turn me off to him even more, but I fear the opposite may occur. reason being? i HATE every single girl he goes after. they aren't good enough for him, and they aren't as good as me. that's what i tell myself every time. NOT good. i think im just being protective, and oh so lonely, but he's still the target of my angst, and that could pose a problem when we all move in. maybe, and hopefully, it will be different by then. i'm about to do a tarot reading, results will be soon posted.
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