Wanna hear something crazy? I dreamed about Dustin last night. Its crazy because we have this connection. This unexplainable connection in life, where he's the one I want to talk to when things go really bad, and I'm the one he wants to talk to when he needs some answers. We don't bullshit each other, and we love each other. And at the same time, I guess that isn't entirely true, because there are many things that go unsaid between us. Since Dustin has really come in to my life and become a close friend, I have struggled with how I feel about him. I go back and forth a lot, because there are some valuable qualities in him, and there are some things I can't stand. My answer, of course, because I am an over-analytical, logic following person, is that I don't like him and am in-fact just lonely. But there's still a connection there, and I love him dearly. I guess I just get confused sometimes as to whether or not that feeling might be a little deeper. Consensus right now is that Dustin waters don't run deep.
So this prelude is to set you up for the dream I had last night, as it wigged me out. I had forgotten the specific dream, but I awoke this morning feeling like something monumental had happened in my dreamland, which I tend to feel very at home in. I waited around all morning for the dream to come to me again, as they usually do when I don't remember them first thing. And of course, Dustin triggered my memory.
The dream comes flooding back, as if it had actually happened:
I was at an old farm house, white, like the normal white farm house I tend to dream about. There was a sleepover commencing, with lots of men and women. I say men and women, but really they were just all my 20-something friends. Natalie Wanner was there, I really love her. A lot of the clarkies were there, sleeping in a circle with thier heads in the middle like in a picture I took once. They were all outside, and the night was beautiful. There were others inside, Yogi was playing with someone, Dustin was there, my Aunt Sandy popped up, just tons of people going in and out, causing cacophony. At some point I was also in a video store and was trying to learn how to throw a baseball or something of that nature, and my balding boss in a blue vest was trying to help me, but that was just a little blip. Unimportant white noise, I should say... So I was talking with Dustin in our usual style, trying to deconstruct the world and make sense of all its compartments when I made mention to him that I was really lonely. And I wondered if I was ever going to get this love stuff right. (Last night, in real life, I guess I was feeling down because Mike has been so in my universe lately, and Dustin noticed. He wanted so badly to help but I told him honestly there wasn't anything he could do, and I didn't want to talk about it anymore than I have. He's worried about me, but I know Mike is something I have to get over on my own and in my own time.) So in this dream of mine, I opened up to him, because I wouldn't do it in the real world, and he responded in a rather unpredictable way. He gave me a tape. The kind of tape that you listened to when you were young before the glory days of the CD. He said something nonchalant, like "here this might help you," and walked to an adjoining room. So there I was standing near the back door in the kitchen/living room area, and I knew Dustin was right around the corner waiting for me to play this tape and feel better. As often times in my dream world, exactly what I needed merely appeared and I suddenly had a tape player. I began to listen. He might have been singing, and there might have been inspirational speeches involved, or words of comfort, but near the end of the tape, Dustin's voice came through the speakers. "And maybe you could just date me," he revealed. He plead, "We should be dating each other." That second line isn't quite right, but it had that feel. I didn't know what to do. I knew Dustin was close enough he could hear every word of his tape for me. I could see the look on my face, and it was complete shock. Then I could see the look on Dustin's face, though he wasn't in the room with me. It was his questioning face. That face he gets when he poses a question that he already knows the answer to, and wants you to figure it out. Legit. It was that face, only softer. Like my realizing or not realizing would make or break him. Part of me wanted to walk in to that room and question him. Why now? Why wait so long? Are you for real? What about this girl or that girl? What about you always get sick of people? What if I say no? But I didn't do any of that. I grabbed the polished brass doorknob and bounded down the back steps to the clarkies. I settled right in with Holly, Liz, and Natalie, but Jenna, Anna, and Jamie weren't far away. I told them what had just happened. And the interesting twist here isn't the fact that Dustin revealed his feelings for me, or that the clark girls were in my dream, its that i BOUNDED down the steps. I floated to those girls and landed with a deep sigh and a smile plastered on my face. As I recounted what had just happened, I was so happy. Elated that it had finally been put out there, astounded that it had actually happened. And though I don't know the conclusion or what advice the girls might have given me, I knew my plan was to march right back in there and make it happen. And this knowledge... of the dream me's reaction to Dustin and his secret... terrifies me a little.
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