Facebook, bane of my existence.

I really hate facebook, and yet I rely on it so heavily. It doesn't let you forget one single thing, you know? Not one. single. thing. In fact, it does quite the opposite, inviting you in with a warm smile and a caring embrace, leading you to believe that you will feel GOOD after an encounter, when really its just waiting to punch you square in the face. I don't know WHY I did this, or WHY I keep doing this to myself, but I am obsessed with reading the old messages in my inbox between me and people who are no longer in my life. I haven't even considered reading Aisha's until just now, but tonight it dawned on me to read Trevor's. It made me sad. I don't miss this Trevor. He's a chameleon and very good at wearing different hats, so that's not an issue. I don't miss the guy I dated, at all. I do miss being in love, but that's not about him. What is about him, however, is that I miss with everything in me the summer of '07. I miss it so much. When I was Sara and he was Mark and Yogi had just gotten his nickname and Trevor and I danced around the fact that both of us were mad about each other. I miss that so much. I miss the night Trevor called me to come sleep with him, and though I had never wanted anything more, I left his bed because I wouldn't do that to Chelsea. I miss the subtext between phrases like "if you believe no girl likes you then you are blind." I miss laying under the stars, playing volleyball, taking afternoon naps, and believing that when we finally got together, it would last forever. I remember when summer came to a close, and Trevor and I had our come-to-jesus under the arches in the rain. Our spot. I remember feeling like this was it. That I would never hurt so bad, but I felt so lucky that he was still in my life. This time, I didn't have that. I just have the knowledge that it is the end of one great era, and that it is over and lost to my memories. And I don't have my dear friend Mark anymore. What's worse is that it would hurt too much to be friends with him now. I don't know if that will ever change, but the longing that I have isn't for him as a lover. He was a terrible lover, and an even worse match for me, but I do miss the friendship. And the feeling that anything with him was possible if only we could get off the ground. That magic isn't in my life anymore. I don't have that connection with anyone like I felt with him in the beginning. There was something that drew us to one another, no matter how hard it was in the end, and I miss that so much. Like I said, I really shouldn't allow myself to use facebook as a means to self-mutilate as I do. But I can't help it. I miss 2007 Trevor so much and there's no way to ever get that person back, ever, except for in my letters. It's all I've got. I just wonder when I'm not going to need them anymore. I still miss John and Nick, for God's sake. I don't know if I could simply add another name to the list of people I will always ache for. I don't think my poor heart could take it. So to John, Nick, Mike, and now sadly, Trevor 2007; Oh god, I miss you! Listen closely as I scream this out in words that you may never hear, I would give anything for even one more moment of you when times were good. You meant so much and more to me, and always will.