signifactor: priestess of discs reversed, she is doing yoga and other inner work to take care of herself. she's not feeling well. perhaps she doesn't know what she needs or is not aware of her body. it is not a time to take care of others, as she is the one who needs attention.
atmosphere: priestess of wands tilt left, made it rain with the help of the lion to renew the life and energy in her community. she is unsure of what she is supposed to do and not seeing a clear direction.
crosscurrent: high priestess tilt right, trying to stay connected to her unconscious and inner world, perhaps she seeks ways to tap in to her dreams and inspirations.
root: 8 of swords, a woman breaks her sword against a wall that she invented. crows laugh and offer a way out if she would only look around. she boxes herself in with a mental picture. the walls she constructed around herself are not real. perhaps she approaches something to directly or in to linear a way. maybe she is experiencing recurring anxiety dreams or other very human dilemmas.
passing away: 9 of discs, healer woman comes to desert to paint. in a solitary and creative period. connected to healing and artistic abilities and may want to be outside among non-human creaturs.
sky: tower tilt left, sits on a tower that will soon crumble, struck by lightenening and has a vision, tells people how to get to their new home. comes in to changes slowly or with hesitation.
near future: 10 of discs tilt right, women of community gather to welcome new life as woman has a baby. she and community are actively pushing something out in to the world.
self-concept: 5 of wands tilt left,
hopes and fears: shaman of discs tilt right
house: 7 of discs tilt left
outcome: judgement reversed
A sad thing.
I was driving home from class tonight, and the feeling struck me that I would like to see Trevor. Maybe its that I'm done feeling sad about our end, or I'm done being mad at him, or maybe its just that my last post brought up so many memories that I want to try to bring them back. But now I want to see him. Hang out with him. Like old times, when he was my best friend. I hung out with Kelly and Kami for a bit tonight and told Kami that I wanted to see him. At least let him know there are no hard feelings. Honestly, how can you have hard feelings toward a man who was severely abused growing up? Its not his fault, and I know that now. I miss how he made me laugh, and the goofy inside jokes we had. I don't want to ever go back to anything like it was before, but I wish we could have a friendship again. Kami thinks this would be a good thing. Then, she told me something that made me sad for Trevor. She sees him every once and awhile, and over lunch the other day he told her that he doesn't like his girlfriend. She's really slow at warming up. She doesn't open up. She doesn't share. She's closed down. She said "you shouldn't stay in something that doesn't make you happy." He said he was going to give it another couple of months just to be sure. And that is so sad. He would rather be in a relationship where he is bored and not in love, than be alone. What's the point of being in a relationship then?? He is THAT scared of being alone. Its heartbreaking.
And then a sliver of a thought graced me, she's the exact opposite of me. In every way. And I said to Kami, "nothing will live up to me." And I meant it. I'm the only one who has ever truly loved Trevor, he knows it, and he let me go. Its so sad. That must hurt. And I almost feel bad that I've moved on and that I'm not in love with him anymore, because he deserves so much to have love like I was willing and ready to give him. I would like to be his friend, though. He does have value even though its not as a boyfriend, and there was such a connection there, that I don't want to just forget him.
And then a sliver of a thought graced me, she's the exact opposite of me. In every way. And I said to Kami, "nothing will live up to me." And I meant it. I'm the only one who has ever truly loved Trevor, he knows it, and he let me go. Its so sad. That must hurt. And I almost feel bad that I've moved on and that I'm not in love with him anymore, because he deserves so much to have love like I was willing and ready to give him. I would like to be his friend, though. He does have value even though its not as a boyfriend, and there was such a connection there, that I don't want to just forget him.
Facebook, bane of my existence.
I really hate facebook, and yet I rely on it so heavily. It doesn't let you forget one single thing, you know? Not one. single. thing. In fact, it does quite the opposite, inviting you in with a warm smile and a caring embrace, leading you to believe that you will feel GOOD after an encounter, when really its just waiting to punch you square in the face. I don't know WHY I did this, or WHY I keep doing this to myself, but I am obsessed with reading the old messages in my inbox between me and people who are no longer in my life. I haven't even considered reading Aisha's until just now, but tonight it dawned on me to read Trevor's. It made me sad. I don't miss this Trevor. He's a chameleon and very good at wearing different hats, so that's not an issue. I don't miss the guy I dated, at all. I do miss being in love, but that's not about him. What is about him, however, is that I miss with everything in me the summer of '07. I miss it so much. When I was Sara and he was Mark and Yogi had just gotten his nickname and Trevor and I danced around the fact that both of us were mad about each other. I miss that so much. I miss the night Trevor called me to come sleep with him, and though I had never wanted anything more, I left his bed because I wouldn't do that to Chelsea. I miss the subtext between phrases like "if you believe no girl likes you then you are blind." I miss laying under the stars, playing volleyball, taking afternoon naps, and believing that when we finally got together, it would last forever. I remember when summer came to a close, and Trevor and I had our come-to-jesus under the arches in the rain. Our spot. I remember feeling like this was it. That I would never hurt so bad, but I felt so lucky that he was still in my life. This time, I didn't have that. I just have the knowledge that it is the end of one great era, and that it is over and lost to my memories. And I don't have my dear friend Mark anymore. What's worse is that it would hurt too much to be friends with him now. I don't know if that will ever change, but the longing that I have isn't for him as a lover. He was a terrible lover, and an even worse match for me, but I do miss the friendship. And the feeling that anything with him was possible if only we could get off the ground. That magic isn't in my life anymore. I don't have that connection with anyone like I felt with him in the beginning. There was something that drew us to one another, no matter how hard it was in the end, and I miss that so much. Like I said, I really shouldn't allow myself to use facebook as a means to self-mutilate as I do. But I can't help it. I miss 2007 Trevor so much and there's no way to ever get that person back, ever, except for in my letters. It's all I've got. I just wonder when I'm not going to need them anymore. I still miss John and Nick, for God's sake. I don't know if I could simply add another name to the list of people I will always ache for. I don't think my poor heart could take it. So to John, Nick, Mike, and now sadly, Trevor 2007; Oh god, I miss you! Listen closely as I scream this out in words that you may never hear, I would give anything for even one more moment of you when times were good. You meant so much and more to me, and always will.
Wedding Album Destiny
So things just keep cropping up. I was on facebook this morning, and my feed showed me comments on photos from a family friend Emily Edwards. She was commenting on photos that Sarah Sexton put up from her wedding years ago. Ellie was in her wedding. She looked so beautiful and I wanted to see as much of her as I could. I kept clicking and then came to an image of Sarah preparing for the wedding. The caption on the photo was "i got a bruise from my insulin the day before my wedding. great" something like that and i said out-loud, "omg she's got type 1." it hit me like bricks. it's everywhere lately. just like that. and it tells me that i am just where i need to be.
French Kiss Fate
So, every one knows I'm in love with Tom Selleck, but no one, and I mean no one, knows how much I love Kevin Klein. Except for maybe my momma. And I have been on a Kevin Klein kick for about a week now, replaying French Kiss in my DVD player over and over and over. So I found out on TV today that Des Moines' Walk to Cure Diabetes is March 7th this year, and when I went to register for the walk I found out the JDRF'S National Walk Chairman is none other than Kevin Klein! His son has T1D and he is a huge activist. WTF? Why did I spend so much time pretending not to be diabetic. There's so much going on that I missed out on!!
Tarot Reading
1. signifactor- right tilted, almost inverted Ace of Wands (baby is born and fire ignites new life): she may feel she has more energy than she knows what to do with but cant feel or activate her passion, fire, or creativity. may not want to express anger or other strong emotions or there may be a fear of expressing active sexual energy
2. atmosphere- left tilt Ace of Swords (woman balances on sword while butterfly guides her vision): she holds back on taking action, may be self destructive
3. crosscurrent- right tilt 9 of Discs (woman goes to desert to paint): she's very busy with her creative energy
4. root- inverted XV Devil- the devil breaks free from constraint and overcomes what has kept him down. his patterns or bonds are broken, freeing his spirit from a collective shadow to be able to create a new, more useful structure.
5. passing away- Ace of Cups (a woman dives in to a cup of self-love and it spills over onto mated swans):she loves herself, she feels some extra push or expansion in her heart
6. sky- left tilt almost inverted XXI World (she takes her place among the children of the earth): may be moving toward a completion w/ disbelief the work is done esp if has been difficult. may not realize magnitude of ending this cycle in her life, may be unaware of where she is so she doesn't realize she's completed something. may feel like hlding on to old familiar ways for awhile longer.
7. near future- inverted 6 of Cups: she can't find a way to express herself. old wounds or memories may be in her way. may feel unsafe or inhibited. may have retreated into formality and superficial interactions. may not be fully trusting herself to come out with how she feels.
8. self-concept- inverted 9 of Wands: she is run down and her energy is depleted, she needs to revitalize herself
9. hopes and fears- tilted left, VI Lovers (Major Arcana, lovers know all is right with the world and they are at peace): holding back for fear of rejection. not trusting their hearts, perhaps don't trust their choices.
10.house- Son of Discs (he is focused on hitting the center of the target): he knows what he wants and is willing to work for it. he focuses on specific goals in a meticulous, grounded, confident, and fair way.
11.outcome- Daughter of Cups: she feels the innocent joy in her body and sexuality as well as the ecstatic pleasure of being in nature's beauty. she is radiating joy to others. she is attractive and charismatic.
2. atmosphere- left tilt Ace of Swords (woman balances on sword while butterfly guides her vision): she holds back on taking action, may be self destructive
3. crosscurrent- right tilt 9 of Discs (woman goes to desert to paint): she's very busy with her creative energy
4. root- inverted XV Devil- the devil breaks free from constraint and overcomes what has kept him down. his patterns or bonds are broken, freeing his spirit from a collective shadow to be able to create a new, more useful structure.
5. passing away- Ace of Cups (a woman dives in to a cup of self-love and it spills over onto mated swans):she loves herself, she feels some extra push or expansion in her heart
6. sky- left tilt almost inverted XXI World (she takes her place among the children of the earth): may be moving toward a completion w/ disbelief the work is done esp if has been difficult. may not realize magnitude of ending this cycle in her life, may be unaware of where she is so she doesn't realize she's completed something. may feel like hlding on to old familiar ways for awhile longer.
7. near future- inverted 6 of Cups: she can't find a way to express herself. old wounds or memories may be in her way. may feel unsafe or inhibited. may have retreated into formality and superficial interactions. may not be fully trusting herself to come out with how she feels.
8. self-concept- inverted 9 of Wands: she is run down and her energy is depleted, she needs to revitalize herself
9. hopes and fears- tilted left, VI Lovers (Major Arcana, lovers know all is right with the world and they are at peace): holding back for fear of rejection. not trusting their hearts, perhaps don't trust their choices.
10.house- Son of Discs (he is focused on hitting the center of the target): he knows what he wants and is willing to work for it. he focuses on specific goals in a meticulous, grounded, confident, and fair way.
11.outcome- Daughter of Cups: she feels the innocent joy in her body and sexuality as well as the ecstatic pleasure of being in nature's beauty. she is radiating joy to others. she is attractive and charismatic.
More Roommates
oh fuck. what am i doing with my life? so next year, and by next year i mean as early as may 31st, Yogi and I will be moving in with Mike Aguilar and DUSTIN. i am trying my hardest to convince myself that living with Dustin will only turn me off to him even more, but I fear the opposite may occur. reason being? i HATE every single girl he goes after. they aren't good enough for him, and they aren't as good as me. that's what i tell myself every time. NOT good. i think im just being protective, and oh so lonely, but he's still the target of my angst, and that could pose a problem when we all move in. maybe, and hopefully, it will be different by then. i'm about to do a tarot reading, results will be soon posted.
"You have not known what you are, you have slumber'd upon yourself all your life,"
It's such a cruel world we live in, as I am writing this, tears streaming down my face. It really is all a mean joke, at times, as tonight was the night I finally wrote my letter to Mike. It came pouring out of me with little effort, and instead felt as though God himself has guided my pen. Emotions on high alert this past month, I've had to cope with my history, as anyone could well see in previous posts. Though with tonight being an archetypal chapter-ender, it is also the night that I spoke to Mike. Had an actual, multiple sentence conversation with Mike. For the very first time since we parted ways. I was actually on his facebook when I noticed him on. Stalking him, of course, because what else can I do? And then I took the plunge. I didn't know what to say, what he might say, but I needed him. My heart pounded almost through my chest as we spoke. And it was so heartbreaking. It was so shallow, it was so false. Not for me, but for him. I'm just creepy enough that I saved it so I could copy it down here.
2:04am Mandie
t-minus 6 days, huh?
2:04am Michael
Yes, I am very much looking forward to it.
2:04am Mandie
yes be safe! i can't imagine how crazy it will be.
2:06am Michael
I know it sounds like it will be nuts.
2:06am Mandie
you know, i'll be there at the end of february... just a month late!
2:07am Michael
Really? What for?
2:07am Mandie
Powershift 09. its only the second year in existence, but its a youth summit on climate control. its amazing. it's no obama, but still...
2:09am Michael
ok, still exciting though.
2:10am Mandie
very. and i do love DC.
2:11am Michael
You will be there right in the midst of Barack's first 100 days and hopefully a lot of good coming out of the city.
2:11am Mandie
yes, i will be disappointed if i am greeted by anything less than banner-lined streets.
that's how i see DC in my head after the inauguration, anyway.
2:13am Michael
I heard it looks very festive.
2:15am Mandie
gah. its been such a very long time since weve spoken, i feel like im talking to a stranger! have you been doing well? i mean, i guess i know you've been well, but i kind of want to hear it from you.
2:16am Michael
Yes, I know. I have been doing very well. This last year and half has been incredible working for the campaign. How have you been?
2:17am Mandie
I'm well. a little restless. ready to leave Iowa... but busy. I'm in nursing school. and just 4 classes left until I graduate state.
2:18am Michael
Well congrats on being so close to finishing up. Leaving Iowa, huh? Where are you heading?
2:20am Mandie
Arizona at first. for grad school. Medical Anthropology. but honestly, i want to go abroad. not forever, but awhile. Tanzania, Ghana, Haiti... that's my big goal.
What about you? My mom said you are going to be doing Obama business, is that right?
2:23am Michael
Well good for you, that is all exciting. I am waiting until after the inauguration to make any moves.
Well it was great talking to you but I must get to bed.
Enjoy DC when you go. It is my new favorite city.
2:24am Mandie
Yea it was good talking with you too. Be safe. Have fun.
2:25am Michael
Also, I love the Whitman quote. later
2:25am Mandie
ah, its my favorite. night.
God Dammit. The title of my last post? Walt Whitman. My facebook status? Walt Whitman. A poem entitled "To You" from which those lines came and is a direct extension of Mike and Mandie? Walt Whitman. He saw it. He recognized it. I want him to miss me and I want him to want our relationship back, but that's all I'm going to get. And now it's done. There now, I have my answer. That was the universe's gift to me. That I got to talk with Mike one night for 20 minutes about next to nothing, and he saw and commented to me about my Walt Whitman quote which was solely there for him. The universe gave me a perfect little gift, I couldn't have made it happen had I tried. It fell in to play perfectly. Mike and I were finally at the right time and place together. And that, is how I know... If it could only happen once, I guess I'm thankful this was it. Maybe it will bring me to peace with it now. And you know what? Because I don't have any control, I'm just going to have to let that be enough. And thank God for giving me even that. I think it's done now, no matter how much it hurts I think it's time to let him go.
2:04am Mandie
t-minus 6 days, huh?
2:04am Michael
Yes, I am very much looking forward to it.
2:04am Mandie
yes be safe! i can't imagine how crazy it will be.
2:06am Michael
I know it sounds like it will be nuts.
2:06am Mandie
you know, i'll be there at the end of february... just a month late!
2:07am Michael
Really? What for?
2:07am Mandie
Powershift 09. its only the second year in existence, but its a youth summit on climate control. its amazing. it's no obama, but still...
2:09am Michael
ok, still exciting though.
2:10am Mandie
very. and i do love DC.
2:11am Michael
You will be there right in the midst of Barack's first 100 days and hopefully a lot of good coming out of the city.
2:11am Mandie
yes, i will be disappointed if i am greeted by anything less than banner-lined streets.
that's how i see DC in my head after the inauguration, anyway.
2:13am Michael
I heard it looks very festive.
2:15am Mandie
gah. its been such a very long time since weve spoken, i feel like im talking to a stranger! have you been doing well? i mean, i guess i know you've been well, but i kind of want to hear it from you.
2:16am Michael
Yes, I know. I have been doing very well. This last year and half has been incredible working for the campaign. How have you been?
2:17am Mandie
I'm well. a little restless. ready to leave Iowa... but busy. I'm in nursing school. and just 4 classes left until I graduate state.
2:18am Michael
Well congrats on being so close to finishing up. Leaving Iowa, huh? Where are you heading?
2:20am Mandie
Arizona at first. for grad school. Medical Anthropology. but honestly, i want to go abroad. not forever, but awhile. Tanzania, Ghana, Haiti... that's my big goal.
What about you? My mom said you are going to be doing Obama business, is that right?
2:23am Michael
Well good for you, that is all exciting. I am waiting until after the inauguration to make any moves.
Well it was great talking to you but I must get to bed.
Enjoy DC when you go. It is my new favorite city.
2:24am Mandie
Yea it was good talking with you too. Be safe. Have fun.
2:25am Michael
Also, I love the Whitman quote. later
2:25am Mandie
ah, its my favorite. night.
God Dammit. The title of my last post? Walt Whitman. My facebook status? Walt Whitman. A poem entitled "To You" from which those lines came and is a direct extension of Mike and Mandie? Walt Whitman. He saw it. He recognized it. I want him to miss me and I want him to want our relationship back, but that's all I'm going to get. And now it's done. There now, I have my answer. That was the universe's gift to me. That I got to talk with Mike one night for 20 minutes about next to nothing, and he saw and commented to me about my Walt Whitman quote which was solely there for him. The universe gave me a perfect little gift, I couldn't have made it happen had I tried. It fell in to play perfectly. Mike and I were finally at the right time and place together. And that, is how I know... If it could only happen once, I guess I'm thankful this was it. Maybe it will bring me to peace with it now. And you know what? Because I don't have any control, I'm just going to have to let that be enough. And thank God for giving me even that. I think it's done now, no matter how much it hurts I think it's time to let him go.
"O I have been dilatory and dumb, I should have made my way straight to you long ago, I should have blabb'd nothing but you, Chanted nothing but you."
So this letter is three pages long, and the result of my attempt at "being" instead of "thinking." I simply took up a keyboard and began to type. And what resulted were the exact feelings I've been having without even realizing I had the words to say it. Here it is:
To You-
I’ve put it off far long enough, I should suppose, as its been two years since ive seen neither hide nor hair from you. And I hope you are happy. I truly hope that alex has given you what you and I both believed I never could. Can I go back to the beginning and tell you the story of us? I think that if I could, you might understand what happened between us, and maybe I would understand it too. You see, when I met you, I was in the worst possible place I had ever been in in my entire life. There has been nothing before or since then that messed me up as bad as I was when you met me. And yet, you saw passed all of that. The only thing I can manage to conclude is that you came too soon. Just like our song, if you weren’t real I would make you up, but you just came too soon. I was terrified of men, and a relationship, and in my classic way, I assumed I understood how men and women interact based on one short-lived sexual relationship. And I measured us by that old relationship. And I’m so sorry. I thought I was so smart, that I knew the way the world worked, and that our relationship didn’t fit, because I assessed that it wasn’t the kind of relationship it should have been. Though, in reality it was exactly what I needed. I know that you know I wasn’t over Dex when you started dating me, but it was so hard not to fall in love with you. Honestly, I just wish you had kissed me. Or tried, at least, to make it known that you wanted me. I was so young and naive, and I concluded that because you weren’t a horny disrespectful little pervert, I must not have been desirable to you. And therefore, you became neutral. But you were the best kind of man, and I would have been the luckiest girl in the world had I known it then. It took me several months and a breakup to realize that I really did want you, but yet again, it wasn’t enough. I wish it had been. But when alex threatened the happy existence I had known as mike and mandie, I broke for a moment, broke away from my fear, and dared to believe that I could be happy as an us. But you were too much, and I forced myself to find reasons for why we would never work. I think now, it’s because I wasn’t ready for you. You were terrifying. And I thought you just wanted someone, it didn’t matter who. It took me a long time to realize that it was much more than I had perceived. It took you leaving, I think. I kept running running running from you and now that I got away, all I want to do is get back to you. The reason behind all of this is that you have been on my mind constantly since you messaged me on my birthday. For some reason you have this power over me, as I once did over you. And I should think that it is nice, at least, to know you can repay the favor. All I have to go off of is my own insight and analysis, which you and I both know is often misconstrued, inaccurate, and presumptuous. But it’s all I’ve got. You see, 2 years ago when everything went down between us, I imagined you would need some time to stay away from me. It had happened before, especially when it came to Alex, or Heather, or any other girl you were using to try and forget me, and I knew I needed to give you that time. You deserved that, at the very least, from me. But months went by, and soon I knew we were never to be the same. Alex quickly took the place in your heart I once filled, so I guess, and she fills it yet to this day. But I wonder often, if you ever miss me. Or if the things that remind me of you, the very small things that I find myself brought to tears over now, I wonder if they make you think back on all of our time together. We had so many amazing adventures, and there are many memories between us that always seem to bring me back to life during the worst times. I don’t know why it took me so long, Mike, to come to the place that I am now. But I remember what we were well enough to know that you would want to hear me say it. In some way, I (must) believe that you need the affirmation that I love you. I love you and I always have. I guess that is the irony of our relationship, though, Mike. Our friendship has always been very much about unrequited love. First you for I, and now I for you. And it’s not fair, hear me say. It hurts so much to know that there is someone out there who you would be with in an instant if only that person could see the light. And I must say, this is it’s own brand of pain to know that you once reciprocated the very thing I am feeling now. And for that, I am so deeply sorry. I don’t think I could even attempt to string together a beautiful enough phrase to tell you how much it aches to know how you were hurting. And I feel so stupid for not seeing it, yet worse, refusing to. What I would give to rewind the clock and go back to the Mike I knew 2 and a half years ago. When you would drop anything to see me, drive through the night even, if I needed you. There has been no one before or since you, that loved me that much. And I took you for granted. I truly believed that I would be lucky enough to have you in my life forever, that I came to expect it. It has taken me a lot of time, and tears, to come to the realization that you can’t expect anything in life, even when the provider is the best person you have ever known. I can’t imagine how much you must resent me, and all the pain I put you through. I know, I didn’t do it on purpose, and I hope you know that too. I hope you know how much I truly always did love you. You were my everything, I just never realized what that meant. I’m torturously learning it day by day, as I write this. Some how, you have snuck up on me, Mike. Without doing anything at all, I can’t seem to escape my never-ending thoughts of you. What you’re doing, what you’re saying, what you might be thinking, if you’ve ever thought of me, what our friendship meant to you, or what it still might mean to you. I don’t think I could possibly bear the idea that you want nothing to do with me. Even now, after two years of silence and a happy niche with Alex, I can’t help but sense that you could want me in your life again. I miss you so much. It’s almost unbearable some days, when everything seems to remind me of you with each turn. Do you remember how we used to drive all over the city listening to Dashboard Confessional? It’s fitting now that every single song would remind me of you, and they do. I can’t get through a summer, a New Years, a Christmas, bowling, renting a movie, a graduation party, a Walt Whitman poem, or a night under the stars without you being the foremost thought in my mind. What sweet, unspoken vindication for you, I would imagine. If you only knew. Since October, you’ve been ever more present in my thoughts, to the point that I’ve seriously contemplated calling you just to hear your voice. At first, I thought I just longed for your friendship again, but with time I realized though friendship would be such a gift, I want you back. The way it was when I was too scared for it. What evil is it that now I’m ready, and you have found what you were looking for in someone else? I hate it, and yet its almost humorous. It is so unfair, but to come to terms with all of this, and everything that happened between us, and everything that we meant to each other, I suppose it would take this very feeling I have right now, to push me to change it. Of course, I don’t want to live with this longing, as I am not as strong as you. Where you dealt with it for three years, I can scarcely handle 3 months of this hell. Mike, I just want you in my life again. That’s all there is, and the only thing I would ask for. You and I have seen so much in our short time together, learned so much about one another, and loved so much. I have never been able to define what we are, what we were, nor been able to imagine where we would be in the future. But I certainly can say that I never thought we would be here. To go from the liveliest of couples who strutted out on the dance floor at prom and got the party going, to not even knowing where each other lives, is a horrendous and heartbreaking fall. I can honestly say it is the last cruel joke I ever saw being played. And now that it has, and 2 years have gone by without you in my life, I know I have learned an invaluable lesson. We were too good together to let it end. You walked out on me two years ago, and this time, though all the times before it was you hoping for more, it is me now wanting more. You may think it insincere, but my life isn’t half as good with out you in it. You made me feel for the first time like I belonged somewhere, and dare I say, to someone, and as bad as I already know this is going to sound, I can’t help but feel like you are sharing that connection with the wrong girl. Won’t you at the very least, do me the extreme favor of at least letting me be in your life again? Though I will always want more, having your friendship would be the answer to a very long-awaited prayer.
To You-
I’ve put it off far long enough, I should suppose, as its been two years since ive seen neither hide nor hair from you. And I hope you are happy. I truly hope that alex has given you what you and I both believed I never could. Can I go back to the beginning and tell you the story of us? I think that if I could, you might understand what happened between us, and maybe I would understand it too. You see, when I met you, I was in the worst possible place I had ever been in in my entire life. There has been nothing before or since then that messed me up as bad as I was when you met me. And yet, you saw passed all of that. The only thing I can manage to conclude is that you came too soon. Just like our song, if you weren’t real I would make you up, but you just came too soon. I was terrified of men, and a relationship, and in my classic way, I assumed I understood how men and women interact based on one short-lived sexual relationship. And I measured us by that old relationship. And I’m so sorry. I thought I was so smart, that I knew the way the world worked, and that our relationship didn’t fit, because I assessed that it wasn’t the kind of relationship it should have been. Though, in reality it was exactly what I needed. I know that you know I wasn’t over Dex when you started dating me, but it was so hard not to fall in love with you. Honestly, I just wish you had kissed me. Or tried, at least, to make it known that you wanted me. I was so young and naive, and I concluded that because you weren’t a horny disrespectful little pervert, I must not have been desirable to you. And therefore, you became neutral. But you were the best kind of man, and I would have been the luckiest girl in the world had I known it then. It took me several months and a breakup to realize that I really did want you, but yet again, it wasn’t enough. I wish it had been. But when alex threatened the happy existence I had known as mike and mandie, I broke for a moment, broke away from my fear, and dared to believe that I could be happy as an us. But you were too much, and I forced myself to find reasons for why we would never work. I think now, it’s because I wasn’t ready for you. You were terrifying. And I thought you just wanted someone, it didn’t matter who. It took me a long time to realize that it was much more than I had perceived. It took you leaving, I think. I kept running running running from you and now that I got away, all I want to do is get back to you. The reason behind all of this is that you have been on my mind constantly since you messaged me on my birthday. For some reason you have this power over me, as I once did over you. And I should think that it is nice, at least, to know you can repay the favor. All I have to go off of is my own insight and analysis, which you and I both know is often misconstrued, inaccurate, and presumptuous. But it’s all I’ve got. You see, 2 years ago when everything went down between us, I imagined you would need some time to stay away from me. It had happened before, especially when it came to Alex, or Heather, or any other girl you were using to try and forget me, and I knew I needed to give you that time. You deserved that, at the very least, from me. But months went by, and soon I knew we were never to be the same. Alex quickly took the place in your heart I once filled, so I guess, and she fills it yet to this day. But I wonder often, if you ever miss me. Or if the things that remind me of you, the very small things that I find myself brought to tears over now, I wonder if they make you think back on all of our time together. We had so many amazing adventures, and there are many memories between us that always seem to bring me back to life during the worst times. I don’t know why it took me so long, Mike, to come to the place that I am now. But I remember what we were well enough to know that you would want to hear me say it. In some way, I (must) believe that you need the affirmation that I love you. I love you and I always have. I guess that is the irony of our relationship, though, Mike. Our friendship has always been very much about unrequited love. First you for I, and now I for you. And it’s not fair, hear me say. It hurts so much to know that there is someone out there who you would be with in an instant if only that person could see the light. And I must say, this is it’s own brand of pain to know that you once reciprocated the very thing I am feeling now. And for that, I am so deeply sorry. I don’t think I could even attempt to string together a beautiful enough phrase to tell you how much it aches to know how you were hurting. And I feel so stupid for not seeing it, yet worse, refusing to. What I would give to rewind the clock and go back to the Mike I knew 2 and a half years ago. When you would drop anything to see me, drive through the night even, if I needed you. There has been no one before or since you, that loved me that much. And I took you for granted. I truly believed that I would be lucky enough to have you in my life forever, that I came to expect it. It has taken me a lot of time, and tears, to come to the realization that you can’t expect anything in life, even when the provider is the best person you have ever known. I can’t imagine how much you must resent me, and all the pain I put you through. I know, I didn’t do it on purpose, and I hope you know that too. I hope you know how much I truly always did love you. You were my everything, I just never realized what that meant. I’m torturously learning it day by day, as I write this. Some how, you have snuck up on me, Mike. Without doing anything at all, I can’t seem to escape my never-ending thoughts of you. What you’re doing, what you’re saying, what you might be thinking, if you’ve ever thought of me, what our friendship meant to you, or what it still might mean to you. I don’t think I could possibly bear the idea that you want nothing to do with me. Even now, after two years of silence and a happy niche with Alex, I can’t help but sense that you could want me in your life again. I miss you so much. It’s almost unbearable some days, when everything seems to remind me of you with each turn. Do you remember how we used to drive all over the city listening to Dashboard Confessional? It’s fitting now that every single song would remind me of you, and they do. I can’t get through a summer, a New Years, a Christmas, bowling, renting a movie, a graduation party, a Walt Whitman poem, or a night under the stars without you being the foremost thought in my mind. What sweet, unspoken vindication for you, I would imagine. If you only knew. Since October, you’ve been ever more present in my thoughts, to the point that I’ve seriously contemplated calling you just to hear your voice. At first, I thought I just longed for your friendship again, but with time I realized though friendship would be such a gift, I want you back. The way it was when I was too scared for it. What evil is it that now I’m ready, and you have found what you were looking for in someone else? I hate it, and yet its almost humorous. It is so unfair, but to come to terms with all of this, and everything that happened between us, and everything that we meant to each other, I suppose it would take this very feeling I have right now, to push me to change it. Of course, I don’t want to live with this longing, as I am not as strong as you. Where you dealt with it for three years, I can scarcely handle 3 months of this hell. Mike, I just want you in my life again. That’s all there is, and the only thing I would ask for. You and I have seen so much in our short time together, learned so much about one another, and loved so much. I have never been able to define what we are, what we were, nor been able to imagine where we would be in the future. But I certainly can say that I never thought we would be here. To go from the liveliest of couples who strutted out on the dance floor at prom and got the party going, to not even knowing where each other lives, is a horrendous and heartbreaking fall. I can honestly say it is the last cruel joke I ever saw being played. And now that it has, and 2 years have gone by without you in my life, I know I have learned an invaluable lesson. We were too good together to let it end. You walked out on me two years ago, and this time, though all the times before it was you hoping for more, it is me now wanting more. You may think it insincere, but my life isn’t half as good with out you in it. You made me feel for the first time like I belonged somewhere, and dare I say, to someone, and as bad as I already know this is going to sound, I can’t help but feel like you are sharing that connection with the wrong girl. Won’t you at the very least, do me the extreme favor of at least letting me be in your life again? Though I will always want more, having your friendship would be the answer to a very long-awaited prayer.
“Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you.” -Marsha Norman
Wanna hear something crazy? I dreamed about Dustin last night. Its crazy because we have this connection. This unexplainable connection in life, where he's the one I want to talk to when things go really bad, and I'm the one he wants to talk to when he needs some answers. We don't bullshit each other, and we love each other. And at the same time, I guess that isn't entirely true, because there are many things that go unsaid between us. Since Dustin has really come in to my life and become a close friend, I have struggled with how I feel about him. I go back and forth a lot, because there are some valuable qualities in him, and there are some things I can't stand. My answer, of course, because I am an over-analytical, logic following person, is that I don't like him and am in-fact just lonely. But there's still a connection there, and I love him dearly. I guess I just get confused sometimes as to whether or not that feeling might be a little deeper. Consensus right now is that Dustin waters don't run deep.
So this prelude is to set you up for the dream I had last night, as it wigged me out. I had forgotten the specific dream, but I awoke this morning feeling like something monumental had happened in my dreamland, which I tend to feel very at home in. I waited around all morning for the dream to come to me again, as they usually do when I don't remember them first thing. And of course, Dustin triggered my memory.
The dream comes flooding back, as if it had actually happened:
I was at an old farm house, white, like the normal white farm house I tend to dream about. There was a sleepover commencing, with lots of men and women. I say men and women, but really they were just all my 20-something friends. Natalie Wanner was there, I really love her. A lot of the clarkies were there, sleeping in a circle with thier heads in the middle like in a picture I took once. They were all outside, and the night was beautiful. There were others inside, Yogi was playing with someone, Dustin was there, my Aunt Sandy popped up, just tons of people going in and out, causing cacophony. At some point I was also in a video store and was trying to learn how to throw a baseball or something of that nature, and my balding boss in a blue vest was trying to help me, but that was just a little blip. Unimportant white noise, I should say... So I was talking with Dustin in our usual style, trying to deconstruct the world and make sense of all its compartments when I made mention to him that I was really lonely. And I wondered if I was ever going to get this love stuff right. (Last night, in real life, I guess I was feeling down because Mike has been so in my universe lately, and Dustin noticed. He wanted so badly to help but I told him honestly there wasn't anything he could do, and I didn't want to talk about it anymore than I have. He's worried about me, but I know Mike is something I have to get over on my own and in my own time.) So in this dream of mine, I opened up to him, because I wouldn't do it in the real world, and he responded in a rather unpredictable way. He gave me a tape. The kind of tape that you listened to when you were young before the glory days of the CD. He said something nonchalant, like "here this might help you," and walked to an adjoining room. So there I was standing near the back door in the kitchen/living room area, and I knew Dustin was right around the corner waiting for me to play this tape and feel better. As often times in my dream world, exactly what I needed merely appeared and I suddenly had a tape player. I began to listen. He might have been singing, and there might have been inspirational speeches involved, or words of comfort, but near the end of the tape, Dustin's voice came through the speakers. "And maybe you could just date me," he revealed. He plead, "We should be dating each other." That second line isn't quite right, but it had that feel. I didn't know what to do. I knew Dustin was close enough he could hear every word of his tape for me. I could see the look on my face, and it was complete shock. Then I could see the look on Dustin's face, though he wasn't in the room with me. It was his questioning face. That face he gets when he poses a question that he already knows the answer to, and wants you to figure it out. Legit. It was that face, only softer. Like my realizing or not realizing would make or break him. Part of me wanted to walk in to that room and question him. Why now? Why wait so long? Are you for real? What about this girl or that girl? What about you always get sick of people? What if I say no? But I didn't do any of that. I grabbed the polished brass doorknob and bounded down the back steps to the clarkies. I settled right in with Holly, Liz, and Natalie, but Jenna, Anna, and Jamie weren't far away. I told them what had just happened. And the interesting twist here isn't the fact that Dustin revealed his feelings for me, or that the clark girls were in my dream, its that i BOUNDED down the steps. I floated to those girls and landed with a deep sigh and a smile plastered on my face. As I recounted what had just happened, I was so happy. Elated that it had finally been put out there, astounded that it had actually happened. And though I don't know the conclusion or what advice the girls might have given me, I knew my plan was to march right back in there and make it happen. And this knowledge... of the dream me's reaction to Dustin and his secret... terrifies me a little.
So this prelude is to set you up for the dream I had last night, as it wigged me out. I had forgotten the specific dream, but I awoke this morning feeling like something monumental had happened in my dreamland, which I tend to feel very at home in. I waited around all morning for the dream to come to me again, as they usually do when I don't remember them first thing. And of course, Dustin triggered my memory.
The dream comes flooding back, as if it had actually happened:
I was at an old farm house, white, like the normal white farm house I tend to dream about. There was a sleepover commencing, with lots of men and women. I say men and women, but really they were just all my 20-something friends. Natalie Wanner was there, I really love her. A lot of the clarkies were there, sleeping in a circle with thier heads in the middle like in a picture I took once. They were all outside, and the night was beautiful. There were others inside, Yogi was playing with someone, Dustin was there, my Aunt Sandy popped up, just tons of people going in and out, causing cacophony. At some point I was also in a video store and was trying to learn how to throw a baseball or something of that nature, and my balding boss in a blue vest was trying to help me, but that was just a little blip. Unimportant white noise, I should say... So I was talking with Dustin in our usual style, trying to deconstruct the world and make sense of all its compartments when I made mention to him that I was really lonely. And I wondered if I was ever going to get this love stuff right. (Last night, in real life, I guess I was feeling down because Mike has been so in my universe lately, and Dustin noticed. He wanted so badly to help but I told him honestly there wasn't anything he could do, and I didn't want to talk about it anymore than I have. He's worried about me, but I know Mike is something I have to get over on my own and in my own time.) So in this dream of mine, I opened up to him, because I wouldn't do it in the real world, and he responded in a rather unpredictable way. He gave me a tape. The kind of tape that you listened to when you were young before the glory days of the CD. He said something nonchalant, like "here this might help you," and walked to an adjoining room. So there I was standing near the back door in the kitchen/living room area, and I knew Dustin was right around the corner waiting for me to play this tape and feel better. As often times in my dream world, exactly what I needed merely appeared and I suddenly had a tape player. I began to listen. He might have been singing, and there might have been inspirational speeches involved, or words of comfort, but near the end of the tape, Dustin's voice came through the speakers. "And maybe you could just date me," he revealed. He plead, "We should be dating each other." That second line isn't quite right, but it had that feel. I didn't know what to do. I knew Dustin was close enough he could hear every word of his tape for me. I could see the look on my face, and it was complete shock. Then I could see the look on Dustin's face, though he wasn't in the room with me. It was his questioning face. That face he gets when he poses a question that he already knows the answer to, and wants you to figure it out. Legit. It was that face, only softer. Like my realizing or not realizing would make or break him. Part of me wanted to walk in to that room and question him. Why now? Why wait so long? Are you for real? What about this girl or that girl? What about you always get sick of people? What if I say no? But I didn't do any of that. I grabbed the polished brass doorknob and bounded down the back steps to the clarkies. I settled right in with Holly, Liz, and Natalie, but Jenna, Anna, and Jamie weren't far away. I told them what had just happened. And the interesting twist here isn't the fact that Dustin revealed his feelings for me, or that the clark girls were in my dream, its that i BOUNDED down the steps. I floated to those girls and landed with a deep sigh and a smile plastered on my face. As I recounted what had just happened, I was so happy. Elated that it had finally been put out there, astounded that it had actually happened. And though I don't know the conclusion or what advice the girls might have given me, I knew my plan was to march right back in there and make it happen. And this knowledge... of the dream me's reaction to Dustin and his secret... terrifies me a little.
Motherpeace
I did a tarot card reading on myself tonight, because I've had a lot of questions I've needed answered. Here's the results:
1. Significator (who/where you are at the moment): Daughter of swords, inverted- impatient and frustrated by difficulty, wants action at any cost. attitudes may turn obstacles and delays into anger and defeat
2. Atmosphere (event or action for reading): Priestess of Swords, upright- clear about purpose and direction. can be alone and stay responsible and connected to others. has integrity by knowing how to have joy and discipline. she sends out her wishes and desires.
3. Crosscurrent (lessons of cycle): 7 of discs, tilted right- woman waits for baby to be born and melons to ripen, she's pushing the birth
4. Root (unconsciously standing on): Daughter of cups, sideways close to inverted- not open now. may be unaware of why she's closed. may feel like she needs a lot and can't get enough, may feel lonely despairing and overworked
5. Passing away (event in past week): 5 of swords, sideways- she uses some control or discipline to change a pattern
6. Sky (personality/behavior in world/spirit connection): Son cups, sideways- not able to completely focus inside self. withdrawn but not entirely at peace.
7. Near future (tomorrow/next week): 10 of wands, upright- extreme output of energy and can perhaps go too far. taken on too much at once? need to pay attention to effects, especially on nervous system
8. Self concept (in harmony or conflict with significator): XI strength, tilted left but upright- inner fire/desire effects transformations through powerful unseen magic. she uses this energy without fear because she feels a deep connection to community and the earth. archetypal free and independent woman who knows how to use the life froce, chi, kundalini energy.
9. Hopes and fears: 5 of discs, upright- in a waiting time, with tendency to worry. can do simply and basic tasks to ground and calm herself. may be feeling stress about survival, money, or something shes not getting enough of.
10. House (energy I am drawing to self as help or hinder): VIII justice, sideways- there is some doubt that things are going to turn out right, and that the universe and she will get what they need
11. Outcome (minor arcana): 9 of discs, upright- healer woman goes to desert to make sand painting. she is in a solitary and creative period. connected to her healing and artistic abilities, and may want to be outside among the non-human creatures.
1. Significator (who/where you are at the moment): Daughter of swords, inverted- impatient and frustrated by difficulty, wants action at any cost. attitudes may turn obstacles and delays into anger and defeat
2. Atmosphere (event or action for reading): Priestess of Swords, upright- clear about purpose and direction. can be alone and stay responsible and connected to others. has integrity by knowing how to have joy and discipline. she sends out her wishes and desires.
3. Crosscurrent (lessons of cycle): 7 of discs, tilted right- woman waits for baby to be born and melons to ripen, she's pushing the birth
4. Root (unconsciously standing on): Daughter of cups, sideways close to inverted- not open now. may be unaware of why she's closed. may feel like she needs a lot and can't get enough, may feel lonely despairing and overworked
5. Passing away (event in past week): 5 of swords, sideways- she uses some control or discipline to change a pattern
6. Sky (personality/behavior in world/spirit connection): Son cups, sideways- not able to completely focus inside self. withdrawn but not entirely at peace.
7. Near future (tomorrow/next week): 10 of wands, upright- extreme output of energy and can perhaps go too far. taken on too much at once? need to pay attention to effects, especially on nervous system
8. Self concept (in harmony or conflict with significator): XI strength, tilted left but upright- inner fire/desire effects transformations through powerful unseen magic. she uses this energy without fear because she feels a deep connection to community and the earth. archetypal free and independent woman who knows how to use the life froce, chi, kundalini energy.
9. Hopes and fears: 5 of discs, upright- in a waiting time, with tendency to worry. can do simply and basic tasks to ground and calm herself. may be feeling stress about survival, money, or something shes not getting enough of.
10. House (energy I am drawing to self as help or hinder): VIII justice, sideways- there is some doubt that things are going to turn out right, and that the universe and she will get what they need
11. Outcome (minor arcana): 9 of discs, upright- healer woman goes to desert to make sand painting. she is in a solitary and creative period. connected to her healing and artistic abilities, and may want to be outside among the non-human creatures.
Iowa City Dreamin'
In Iowa City with my best friend Diana, and last night was my first night sleeping again on her old comfortable couch that I know so well. Perhaps a dangerous cocktail of travel, music, and too many episodes of LOST lead to what happened next, or maybe it was a message. I haven't decided yet. But I fell asleep and dreamed all night. One dream.
Someone, a girl, was getting married. I was part of her wedding party. It was before her wedding, and we were all painting the town red. There were some I knew in real life, and some I knew only in my dream, and there was Mike. In the past week I have dreamed about Mike more than I ever have. What it means, I don't know, but its happening. We went all over the town, did everything. Then, we went to dinner. We waited for so long to get our table. We finally sat. I tried so hard to reconnect with Mike, but he kept me at bay. He mentioned little things about moving away, being with Alex, and then he said... in three years I'll do this and this and this, and then I'll get her a better ring. Implying his intention to marry her. There was another wedding party at the restaurant, and we joined them after our bride got mad at us for not having a chair for her at our table. I thought she was being unreasonable, because we didn't really realize we didn't have a chair for her, and she wouldn't sit in the one we brought to the table when we realized our error. We all ate the other wedding party's cake and danced. It was fun, I felt drunk. We all went back to the girl's house to party the night away. The whole time I tried to reconnect with Mike. I wanted to know everything, and I listened intently to every little detail he said so that I might get some insight into all of the time I've missed. I was feeling down, and beaten, and defeated. It hurt so much that I was standing there in his life again, and he wanted nothing to do with me. He didn't even look at me with recognition, let alone apologize for all that has happened between us. He didn't care if we were ever part of each other's lives again. And I could feel that with each passing minute. The night was drawing to a close. People started leaving. Suddenly, I couldn't find Mike anywhere. He had gone. My heart sunk, and I was expecting at least... something. I walked outside to find him and saw him in his car pulling away. I knew that was it, and it broke my heart. I started walking. Walking for a long time, just trying to get to something. My car? Or something a bit more transcendent? Then suddenly, I was a bird, and I started running. And as I ran a started flashing like lightening. It happened faster... and faster... and I ran further and further, until I was a burning ball of electricity instead of a bird. And then I burst in to flames and suddenly I could fly. And I saw myself in the air flying higher and higher until I burst even more in to fire and became bigger and bigger and flew far off in the distance.
Someone, a girl, was getting married. I was part of her wedding party. It was before her wedding, and we were all painting the town red. There were some I knew in real life, and some I knew only in my dream, and there was Mike. In the past week I have dreamed about Mike more than I ever have. What it means, I don't know, but its happening. We went all over the town, did everything. Then, we went to dinner. We waited for so long to get our table. We finally sat. I tried so hard to reconnect with Mike, but he kept me at bay. He mentioned little things about moving away, being with Alex, and then he said... in three years I'll do this and this and this, and then I'll get her a better ring. Implying his intention to marry her. There was another wedding party at the restaurant, and we joined them after our bride got mad at us for not having a chair for her at our table. I thought she was being unreasonable, because we didn't really realize we didn't have a chair for her, and she wouldn't sit in the one we brought to the table when we realized our error. We all ate the other wedding party's cake and danced. It was fun, I felt drunk. We all went back to the girl's house to party the night away. The whole time I tried to reconnect with Mike. I wanted to know everything, and I listened intently to every little detail he said so that I might get some insight into all of the time I've missed. I was feeling down, and beaten, and defeated. It hurt so much that I was standing there in his life again, and he wanted nothing to do with me. He didn't even look at me with recognition, let alone apologize for all that has happened between us. He didn't care if we were ever part of each other's lives again. And I could feel that with each passing minute. The night was drawing to a close. People started leaving. Suddenly, I couldn't find Mike anywhere. He had gone. My heart sunk, and I was expecting at least... something. I walked outside to find him and saw him in his car pulling away. I knew that was it, and it broke my heart. I started walking. Walking for a long time, just trying to get to something. My car? Or something a bit more transcendent? Then suddenly, I was a bird, and I started running. And as I ran a started flashing like lightening. It happened faster... and faster... and I ran further and further, until I was a burning ball of electricity instead of a bird. And then I burst in to flames and suddenly I could fly. And I saw myself in the air flying higher and higher until I burst even more in to fire and became bigger and bigger and flew far off in the distance.
Katy Speaks (Volumes)
Alex moved to Chicago today, I saw it on Facebook. I hate facebook so much. I give it everything and it only makes me sad. Much like most of the men I've had in my life, which stands to reason, then, how Facebook was created by a man. I amuse myself with tangents, and I apologize. Seeing Alex's status today got me wondering about Mike. His status is "misses her and cannot wait to go to Chicago." Alexxxxxx. I've been so heartbroken over Mike lately, and it's so unfair because it's too late. Alex is good to him, and gives him just what he needs. But we were better together. I was just young, I wasn't ready. I'm paying now. But mom called to see what I was up to today and I asked her if she knew Alex was moving to Chicago, and if she knew Mike's plans. Alex and Mike had lived together in Virginia, so I assumed they'd continue, knowing Mike secretly hopes to be married by 25 and the clock is ticking. Mom made some off-handed comment about Mike and Alex, and I jumped on it. "They spent tons of time apart over the past year and were fine, I don't think he's moving to Chicago," she said. "Precisely the reason they've lasted so long," I responded. We agreed she was what he needed at the time, but she is crazy and he could have done better. "I don't want him to marry her," I said next. "I don't know why it bothers me so much," though it was a lie. I know just why it gets to me. Its so obvious I don't even need to say it out loud to her. Mom agrees, "I don't know why it bothers you so much, either," she continues the lie for my sake, "but it does." And then she said something I didn't expect, and certainly didn't want to hear. "You could have had him, you know." And I know. We all know. Except the problem now is that I want him. And for reasons I know I'll never understand, I didn't want him before. Not like that. I said, "I guess its just a classic example of wanting what I can't have," I posed to mom. "I think you're right," she knows I'm fibbing, "but I'm not sure he was it." Holding back tears, because I just don't want her to know how much his absence still hurts, I manage to choke, "I respectfully disagree." "You might be right, baby," was all I managed to hear through the ringing in my head.
Mike, I miss you so much.
Mike, I miss you so much.
Cyanide and Happiness is Fantastic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
What's the song in your head? Does it push you to do great things? Talk to a person you never would? Or does it simply remind you how lucky you are to be breathing?
The Beast, The Jellyfish, and The Lamb: NOT a children's book
So in April 2007 I got kicked out of my apartment by a cRrRrRRrRrrazy person, a jellyfish, and a sheep. And something Crazy had said to me stayed with me for a long time because I wondered if other, more sane, people might agree. Crazy said to me something about how I act superior...how I've got to be better than everyone, or I think I'm better than everyone, something along those lines... but her example was school. Of all things, my studies? Please, if anything, I act superior to peoples morals... I know it. And I feel it. I'm not going to pretend that I don't think I'm a better human being than I lot of the scum-suckers out there, because I really do think I'm superior to some. She didn't even know me well enough to highlight my ACTUAL egocentricities, she had to make something up? Fail, psycho hose beast. Anyway, she said i talked down her LAMB of a boyfriend's major... Geology, because I took a Geology class and said it was 'so easy, any idiot could be a geologist.' Like 'any idiot could be a geologist' is even in my syntax repertoire. Lord. Thus ensues the torrent of proof that my former roommate suffers from dimentia, because I practically failed my Geology class as it was so intense. And I even complained 'DAMN i thought this INTRO 101 CLASS was going to be easy and it's rocking (ha) my face off!' It was a 101 class, I was a sophomore, I thought I would be fine. But Geology is a hard subject for me! Cue the lamb, who is a Geo major and my one-time best friend. I asked for his help because he's brilliant and loves Geology, and he knew how to speak my language so I'd understand. And like I wouldn't take any excuse I could to get just a LITTLE bit of one on one time away from HER? She wasn't even appreciative of the fact that I handed her this wonderful famous-last-name-toting boyfriend on a silver platter with a full user's guide. She wasn't a good person. So, when all of this happened April 31st, 2007, I was appalled when the one-time-best-friend-turned-sex-addicted-baby-sheep backed every last word Crazy said, including the horrible misrepresentation and defamation of my character. Something John swore he would never let ANYONE get away with. Which brings me to my pain-staking point; I was feeling (sadly, not) unusually nostalgic tonight and went through the old message exchanges between John and I. And some of them were so funny they brought me back to this place where I missed him so much. Some were so lovely they brought me to tears. We said I love you, I'm always here for you, I've never met anyone like you... once rich, heartfelt words that are trunk moths now. But in the midst of all those memories, I found a message in conjunction with my verbal pleading of John and his expertise to get me through Geology:
John Emery DeLong
January 8, 2007 at 12:04pm
What is the formal name of the class? History of the Earth, Enviromental Diasters, or Intro. to Geology. I need answers if Im going to be able to help. Damnit mandie!
Carl, your tutor?
Mandie Murphy
January 8, 2007 at 4:43pm
Geology 101: Environmental. I have to do Calibrated Peer Reviews, exercises from a CD, pop-quizzes (which i typo-ed just now as poop-quizzes), and papers! Not to mention the normal stuff like 4 tests and an applicatory final! I will be enlisting my smart and ever so sweet best friend for his help. :)
Even though it's a year and 8 months later, I still feel better somehow, now that I know this is out there and that I stumbled upon it like I did, when I was really feeling down. And yet... it makes me so sad. Because I also found a message where John and I argued over how I could so easily erase Nick from my life and my explanation to John was that I was so tired of people always making decisions that effect my heart when I'm not even the one throwing around the ultimatum. Mikey and Kim Topp did it when it came to Aly and Shannon, Mike did it when it came to Alexandra, Luke did it, Meghan did it, and now... John fits in to that category too. I never asked him to choose, but without hesitation he backed everything she said, even though I'm looking at the very words we said that disprove her lies. And sadly, I erased John from my life even more successfully than I have Nick because I will speak to Nick if he's unfortunate enough to come in to my vicinity. Poor John would never see that civility. With his final words of, 'I guess this is it,' he solidified our fate. He broke my heart so many times that year with everything that happened between us, that with sam slapped on as our proverbial icing on the cake, it just hurt too much to stay. Not to mention I was banished by her, and he uttered nothing in my defense. Yet I thought our friendship could make it through anything, I really did. And every word I ever said to him, I said with conviction, truth, and so much heart. And he loved me despite all of that. He accepted and admired my grit and quirks, and flaws. Until that fateful fucking day when he threw himself in to my history book as one of the greatest heartbreaks of my life. I guess, in a strange way that's probably what he wanted. For my heart to break as much as his had. For me to feel for him how I felt for Tunink, Mahler, and Nick. They hurt my feelings because they didn't like me back. Nick destroyed me for... well, a lot of things, but John... he really did a number on me. Really knocked me down to nothing. And its something that I haven't 100% gotten up from, but having pieces and glimpses like that one I'm sharing here... well... I hope they help me in the resilience department.
John Emery DeLong
January 8, 2007 at 12:04pm
What is the formal name of the class? History of the Earth, Enviromental Diasters, or Intro. to Geology. I need answers if Im going to be able to help. Damnit mandie!
Carl, your tutor?
Mandie Murphy
January 8, 2007 at 4:43pm
Geology 101: Environmental. I have to do Calibrated Peer Reviews, exercises from a CD, pop-quizzes (which i typo-ed just now as poop-quizzes), and papers! Not to mention the normal stuff like 4 tests and an applicatory final! I will be enlisting my smart and ever so sweet best friend for his help. :)
Even though it's a year and 8 months later, I still feel better somehow, now that I know this is out there and that I stumbled upon it like I did, when I was really feeling down. And yet... it makes me so sad. Because I also found a message where John and I argued over how I could so easily erase Nick from my life and my explanation to John was that I was so tired of people always making decisions that effect my heart when I'm not even the one throwing around the ultimatum. Mikey and Kim Topp did it when it came to Aly and Shannon, Mike did it when it came to Alexandra, Luke did it, Meghan did it, and now... John fits in to that category too. I never asked him to choose, but without hesitation he backed everything she said, even though I'm looking at the very words we said that disprove her lies. And sadly, I erased John from my life even more successfully than I have Nick because I will speak to Nick if he's unfortunate enough to come in to my vicinity. Poor John would never see that civility. With his final words of, 'I guess this is it,' he solidified our fate. He broke my heart so many times that year with everything that happened between us, that with sam slapped on as our proverbial icing on the cake, it just hurt too much to stay. Not to mention I was banished by her, and he uttered nothing in my defense. Yet I thought our friendship could make it through anything, I really did. And every word I ever said to him, I said with conviction, truth, and so much heart. And he loved me despite all of that. He accepted and admired my grit and quirks, and flaws. Until that fateful fucking day when he threw himself in to my history book as one of the greatest heartbreaks of my life. I guess, in a strange way that's probably what he wanted. For my heart to break as much as his had. For me to feel for him how I felt for Tunink, Mahler, and Nick. They hurt my feelings because they didn't like me back. Nick destroyed me for... well, a lot of things, but John... he really did a number on me. Really knocked me down to nothing. And its something that I haven't 100% gotten up from, but having pieces and glimpses like that one I'm sharing here... well... I hope they help me in the resilience department.
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