A sad thing.

I was driving home from class tonight, and the feeling struck me that I would like to see Trevor. Maybe its that I'm done feeling sad about our end, or I'm done being mad at him, or maybe its just that my last post brought up so many memories that I want to try to bring them back. But now I want to see him. Hang out with him. Like old times, when he was my best friend. I hung out with Kelly and Kami for a bit tonight and told Kami that I wanted to see him. At least let him know there are no hard feelings. Honestly, how can you have hard feelings toward a man who was severely abused growing up? Its not his fault, and I know that now. I miss how he made me laugh, and the goofy inside jokes we had. I don't want to ever go back to anything like it was before, but I wish we could have a friendship again. Kami thinks this would be a good thing. Then, she told me something that made me sad for Trevor. She sees him every once and awhile, and over lunch the other day he told her that he doesn't like his girlfriend. She's really slow at warming up. She doesn't open up. She doesn't share. She's closed down. She said "you shouldn't stay in something that doesn't make you happy." He said he was going to give it another couple of months just to be sure. And that is so sad. He would rather be in a relationship where he is bored and not in love, than be alone. What's the point of being in a relationship then?? He is THAT scared of being alone. Its heartbreaking.

And then a sliver of a thought graced me, she's the exact opposite of me. In every way. And I said to Kami, "nothing will live up to me." And I meant it. I'm the only one who has ever truly loved Trevor, he knows it, and he let me go. Its so sad. That must hurt. And I almost feel bad that I've moved on and that I'm not in love with him anymore, because he deserves so much to have love like I was willing and ready to give him. I would like to be his friend, though. He does have value even though its not as a boyfriend, and there was such a connection there, that I don't want to just forget him.