"You have not known what you are, you have slumber'd upon yourself all your life,"

It's such a cruel world we live in, as I am writing this, tears streaming down my face. It really is all a mean joke, at times, as tonight was the night I finally wrote my letter to Mike. It came pouring out of me with little effort, and instead felt as though God himself has guided my pen. Emotions on high alert this past month, I've had to cope with my history, as anyone could well see in previous posts. Though with tonight being an archetypal chapter-ender, it is also the night that I spoke to Mike. Had an actual, multiple sentence conversation with Mike. For the very first time since we parted ways. I was actually on his facebook when I noticed him on. Stalking him, of course, because what else can I do? And then I took the plunge. I didn't know what to say, what he might say, but I needed him. My heart pounded almost through my chest as we spoke. And it was so heartbreaking. It was so shallow, it was so false. Not for me, but for him. I'm just creepy enough that I saved it so I could copy it down here.

2:04am Mandie
t-minus 6 days, huh?

2:04am Michael
Yes, I am very much looking forward to it.

2:04am Mandie
yes be safe! i can't imagine how crazy it will be.

2:06am Michael
I know it sounds like it will be nuts.

2:06am Mandie
you know, i'll be there at the end of february... just a month late!

2:07am Michael
Really? What for?

2:07am Mandie
Powershift 09. its only the second year in existence, but its a youth summit on climate control. its amazing. it's no obama, but still...

2:09am Michael
ok, still exciting though.

2:10am Mandie
very. and i do love DC.

2:11am Michael
You will be there right in the midst of Barack's first 100 days and hopefully a lot of good coming out of the city.

2:11am Mandie
yes, i will be disappointed if i am greeted by anything less than banner-lined streets.
that's how i see DC in my head after the inauguration, anyway.

2:13am Michael
I heard it looks very festive.

2:15am Mandie
gah. its been such a very long time since weve spoken, i feel like im talking to a stranger! have you been doing well? i mean, i guess i know you've been well, but i kind of want to hear it from you.

2:16am Michael
Yes, I know. I have been doing very well. This last year and half has been incredible working for the campaign. How have you been?

2:17am Mandie
I'm well. a little restless. ready to leave Iowa... but busy. I'm in nursing school. and just 4 classes left until I graduate state.

2:18am Michael
Well congrats on being so close to finishing up. Leaving Iowa, huh? Where are you heading?

2:20am Mandie
Arizona at first. for grad school. Medical Anthropology. but honestly, i want to go abroad. not forever, but awhile. Tanzania, Ghana, Haiti... that's my big goal.
What about you? My mom said you are going to be doing Obama business, is that right?

2:23am Michael
Well good for you, that is all exciting. I am waiting until after the inauguration to make any moves.
Well it was great talking to you but I must get to bed.
Enjoy DC when you go. It is my new favorite city.

2:24am Mandie
Yea it was good talking with you too. Be safe. Have fun.

2:25am Michael
Also, I love the Whitman quote. later

2:25am Mandie
ah, its my favorite. night.

God Dammit. The title of my last post? Walt Whitman. My facebook status? Walt Whitman. A poem entitled "To You" from which those lines came and is a direct extension of Mike and Mandie? Walt Whitman. He saw it. He recognized it. I want him to miss me and I want him to want our relationship back, but that's all I'm going to get. And now it's done. There now, I have my answer. That was the universe's gift to me. That I got to talk with Mike one night for 20 minutes about next to nothing, and he saw and commented to me about my Walt Whitman quote which was solely there for him. The universe gave me a perfect little gift, I couldn't have made it happen had I tried. It fell in to play perfectly. Mike and I were finally at the right time and place together. And that, is how I know... If it could only happen once, I guess I'm thankful this was it. Maybe it will bring me to peace with it now. And you know what? Because I don't have any control, I'm just going to have to let that be enough. And thank God for giving me even that. I think it's done now, no matter how much it hurts I think it's time to let him go.