Katy Speaks (Volumes)

Alex moved to Chicago today, I saw it on Facebook. I hate facebook so much. I give it everything and it only makes me sad. Much like most of the men I've had in my life, which stands to reason, then, how Facebook was created by a man. I amuse myself with tangents, and I apologize. Seeing Alex's status today got me wondering about Mike. His status is "misses her and cannot wait to go to Chicago." Alexxxxxx. I've been so heartbroken over Mike lately, and it's so unfair because it's too late. Alex is good to him, and gives him just what he needs. But we were better together. I was just young, I wasn't ready. I'm paying now. But mom called to see what I was up to today and I asked her if she knew Alex was moving to Chicago, and if she knew Mike's plans. Alex and Mike had lived together in Virginia, so I assumed they'd continue, knowing Mike secretly hopes to be married by 25 and the clock is ticking. Mom made some off-handed comment about Mike and Alex, and I jumped on it. "They spent tons of time apart over the past year and were fine, I don't think he's moving to Chicago," she said. "Precisely the reason they've lasted so long," I responded. We agreed she was what he needed at the time, but she is crazy and he could have done better. "I don't want him to marry her," I said next. "I don't know why it bothers me so much," though it was a lie. I know just why it gets to me. Its so obvious I don't even need to say it out loud to her. Mom agrees, "I don't know why it bothers you so much, either," she continues the lie for my sake, "but it does." And then she said something I didn't expect, and certainly didn't want to hear. "You could have had him, you know." And I know. We all know. Except the problem now is that I want him. And for reasons I know I'll never understand, I didn't want him before. Not like that. I said, "I guess its just a classic example of wanting what I can't have," I posed to mom. "I think you're right," she knows I'm fibbing, "but I'm not sure he was it." Holding back tears, because I just don't want her to know how much his absence still hurts, I manage to choke, "I respectfully disagree." "You might be right, baby," was all I managed to hear through the ringing in my head.
Mike, I miss you so much.