Hey There Delilah
Mike. You were my best friend so long ago and now we have one of those relationships wehre if we saw eachother on the street it would be a fake friendly shallow conversation. and we promised we would never do that. it was so unfair to you mike. i see it so much clearer now. you must have hated me in a way. i miss you so much, and every day. i hate that. but i imagine it's my payback for how you must have felt through those years. you know, one night during my freshman year... i don't know what was happening but i kept thinking about you and this one idea kept at me. i thought how terrible it would be if i never got to kiss you again, if i never got to tell you how i really felt. i called you. i had to tell you and talk to you and figure it out. and you didn't answer. was it for the best? that's what i told myself. and i cried so much that night for everything that we had been through and because i couldn't find you but i never did anything about it. i know now that it spoke volumes about where i was at. and truly, i didn't recognize that you were in love with me. i didn't recognize that i was in love with you too. i wasn't ready mike, and i am so sorry. and i'm paying for it now, i promise you. it's so strange, i remember how heartbroken i was when you stopped being my friend, and i never imagined how heartbroken YOU must have been to stop being my friend in the first place. and you really meant everything to me, and you were my entire world. i measured every person in my life against you and yet i must have tortured you. god i can't imagine how much it hurt. how didn't i see it. i did, in a way, but i didn't want to see where you were coming from. i had never had a man be so good to me as you were, not before you and not since. and that kills me in such a big way. because as strange is it feels to think this way, especially because the mike i knew isn't even you anymore, i'm ready now for what you wanted them. i miss you so much that looking back at old messages between us make me cry. walt makes me cry. remembering everything we've been through breaks my heart and chips away at me so much. remember when you left poems on my car? remember visiting your sister? remember cheesecake at the band shell? i feel like i really am living in your letters now. all of our history takes me back to this place where i knew i was so loved by such a good guy, and that's all i want now. and ive questioned myself whether or not its because im alone and because i hate how we ended, but i love you so much still and i know that its not ever going to go away because every time i think about you i feel and think the exact same thing. i wish you were back in my life, and i wish i felt then how i feel now. it isn't fair, but i guess it makes sense. you had to live with knowing i didn't want to be with you and now i have to live with knowing i don't even get to have you in my life. it seems like a fair consequence but so unfair to my heart.
Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time?
I spend way too much time talking and not enough time doing. And I'm pretty sick of it.
Bury it, I won't let you bury it.
A lot of time has gone by, and suddenly I realize I'm looking back at four months of life without Trevor. And its absolutely blowing my mind. It feels like yesterday that my mom was cooing to me that I just needed to get some distance and time between us. That I needed the opportunity to rebuild a life for myself that didn't have him around every turn. New stories, memories, friends, triumphs, and falls... without him. I remember thinking "how impossible." I remember feeling so cut open at the thought that I might even have to consider a life without him. And when I look back to where I was four months ago, I think, "how could I have felt that way?" How did I let myself become so enveloped in the idea of Me and Him, and let the idea of what I wanted for MY life to just drift away..? You know when you hear people say that hindsight is 20/20? That notion seems to go out the window when it involves the heart, and I can honestly say that four months ago, I truly believed I was not going to get over this. I was so jaded. I remember the Me that was then, and I feel like I was hopped up on morphine. Couldn't see through this fog of... love? Well... whatever it was. And that scares me a little, honestly. That I can become so consumed, not see clearly, not think rationally. And I'm so glad I'm out of it now. So glad I've had the chance to get my whits together, collect my thoughts, and turn back in to me, instead of some love warewolf. Yet its so sad in a way, because I loved Trevor so much and thought so highly of him, and even though it was ignorant, and I had created that Trevor in my mind... well... it was nice, really. Ignorance really can be bliss. And now that its gone, its almost like he has died, and that does break my heart a little. I don't have this man in my life that I believed could do great things, and was an outstanding human being, and a caring lover. Having him, made me feel like there was some cosmic plan out there. Even thinking the words now, I know he was never any of those things. And it makes me fear this brain of mine, because I really did believe my life was perfect for awhile. That even though, now I can see clearly, and even though now I know the facts from the fiction, it was still nice when I got to believe the fiction as true. The question now... looking back at that year of my life, after I am 4 months out of it... the question is HOW? How was I so blind? He didn't do it to me, I did. And all I can say now is, damn my mind. It always seems to get me in to trouble. Maybe I should stop pretending like the feelings I get in the pit of my stomache are the same thing as clear and rational thought. But where would the fun be in any of that? Is it better to live like a dreamer and get your heart broken, or never let yourself fall in to the magic of possibility? I can't quite decide, but love is a magic here on earth, a drug I can't live without no matter how bad the crash is... and I don't think I want to give up the habit.
I found these two notes in my Outlook Express, and since they were personal thoughts, and I've really been mulling over some Trevor stuff lately... I had yet another dream about him 2 nights ago... I want to include it here:
DREAMS 10/14/08 10:51 AM
I've been dreaming about you lately. And it's been strange because I was just thinking to myself how I've never dreamed of you after our end. I dreamed about Dex all the time, for a long time. But not you. Now its happening. I think because I'm finally letting you go. And I really am letting you go now. Once I had a dream where you and I had broken up and I saw you somewhere and you missed me and I miss you and the dream ended with me holding you on a couch somewhere. Not together again, but with eachother again and I didn't have to miss you anymore. That blurb in a dream was all I dreamed of you until recently. The other night I had a dream that I was with yogi, john, mandi, kami, and others. We were being chased by... something. Horses? Something big and scary. And I remember running in to a building that was abandoned and there was a circus and a restaurant next door that i could see through windows. And there was a statue of these three bronze horses and suddenly I was outside looking at this fountain of horses. They called me back inside to hide, and so we did. I don't remember much else but we had to hide from something, and my car had been stolen. It was my corsica, and i had important things in that car and no one would tell us where the car was, though they had seen it. Only Kami and Mike helped me search for that car. Then we wound up needing to hide from something. The horses came alive and chased us. The horses were bad, and evil, and we never saw it coming. After it was all said and done, you were there. You came to see what were were doing or if we were alright or something like that. I was standing in a little room with you and one other person and as we were walking out you started to say something to me and I said that I knew and it wasn't a big deal. That you couldn't be there for me and that's ok. You said yea... I said you're dating chelsea again too arn't you and you said... i have been. Something like that. And i treated you like the day you came to pick up your stuff and i casually mentioned the fact that you trashed our bike. I was breaking on the inside but of course you would never know that. I had to be strong even in my dream.
Then last night, I had a dream that i was with my family. Only mom dad and john. It was dark and we were on a dock moving things to somewhere. The headlights glared and i knew we were getting some help from someone. Mike and you were there then. I saw Mike and hugged him, and then I realized that you were there. You looked different. How I imagine you might look as a man, or at least the physical representation of you becoming a man that is worth anything to me. Something along those lines. But you still looked like you. I couldn't believe my praents' gaul at asking him for help, especially now. But each of them just looked at me, including Mike, with a knowing glance... "Don't take this on, Mandie." That's what they were saying with their eyes. You were wearing a really strange green sweater, and i remember having the thought that it was ugly, but that you must have broadened your horizons because when i knew you, you wouldn't have been caught dead in anything like that. I didn't say anything to you at first because I am still so sad about us, but you started to say something to me to make that contact, and stopped. We all knew you wanted to do something, say something, change... something about the situation. Mike kind of nudged me toward you as mom and dad gave me a look. So I walked over and said oh come here give me a hug, and we both had big smiles on our faces. Mine was real as long as I only thought about the fact that I was with you again, but I faked it because it hurt so much. I don't know if you were happy or sad or indifferent because you never said anything else. I pulled away from you and got a wiff of cologne. A scent you hadn't worn when we were together, and it made me wonder if you were really growing up. Then you went about your work and so did I.
THINKING OF YOU 10/13/08 12:03 PM
I was thinking of you today, like most days. And you know what I keep coming back to? We were so unhappy. I heard in a song the other day, something about how happiness shouldn't be measured by the moments after you stop fighting. That's how I measured us. Always. That really wasnt fair or right to either of us. We both deserve to be so much happier than that. And that's what is really making this more ok for me, I think. Because sometimes, like on my birthday, I think about you hard and for a long time. And I miss you so much. And then I remember how our relationship actualy was, and though parts of it were fun happy and healthy... most of it wasn't. And I'm really letting all of that guilt that I had toward not being able to make you happier or healthier... go. I'm really becoming ok with the fact that you gave me everything you were capable of, but that it wasn't enough. And that's ok, because it just means that there is someone better for me. Someone more right, makes me happier. And I really do worry about you still, and think about you all of the time, but really I think about you in the same way that I think about Sophie, and how I felt so bad because she was too much for me and I couldn't be the right one for her. That's how I think of you anymore... I'm sad that we weren't right for eachother... and mostly, I'm sad because I feel that I failed you. And I know I shouldn't take that on, because its not my job to be your savior, you have to save yourself. But I loved you and I love you still, and if it were within my power to do it you would have been saved already. You would have been happy all along. Now I just have to deal with the pain that I cannot fix the one person I want more than anything to be fixed.
I found these two notes in my Outlook Express, and since they were personal thoughts, and I've really been mulling over some Trevor stuff lately... I had yet another dream about him 2 nights ago... I want to include it here:
DREAMS 10/14/08 10:51 AM
I've been dreaming about you lately. And it's been strange because I was just thinking to myself how I've never dreamed of you after our end. I dreamed about Dex all the time, for a long time. But not you. Now its happening. I think because I'm finally letting you go. And I really am letting you go now. Once I had a dream where you and I had broken up and I saw you somewhere and you missed me and I miss you and the dream ended with me holding you on a couch somewhere. Not together again, but with eachother again and I didn't have to miss you anymore. That blurb in a dream was all I dreamed of you until recently. The other night I had a dream that I was with yogi, john, mandi, kami, and others. We were being chased by... something. Horses? Something big and scary. And I remember running in to a building that was abandoned and there was a circus and a restaurant next door that i could see through windows. And there was a statue of these three bronze horses and suddenly I was outside looking at this fountain of horses. They called me back inside to hide, and so we did. I don't remember much else but we had to hide from something, and my car had been stolen. It was my corsica, and i had important things in that car and no one would tell us where the car was, though they had seen it. Only Kami and Mike helped me search for that car. Then we wound up needing to hide from something. The horses came alive and chased us. The horses were bad, and evil, and we never saw it coming. After it was all said and done, you were there. You came to see what were were doing or if we were alright or something like that. I was standing in a little room with you and one other person and as we were walking out you started to say something to me and I said that I knew and it wasn't a big deal. That you couldn't be there for me and that's ok. You said yea... I said you're dating chelsea again too arn't you and you said... i have been. Something like that. And i treated you like the day you came to pick up your stuff and i casually mentioned the fact that you trashed our bike. I was breaking on the inside but of course you would never know that. I had to be strong even in my dream.
Then last night, I had a dream that i was with my family. Only mom dad and john. It was dark and we were on a dock moving things to somewhere. The headlights glared and i knew we were getting some help from someone. Mike and you were there then. I saw Mike and hugged him, and then I realized that you were there. You looked different. How I imagine you might look as a man, or at least the physical representation of you becoming a man that is worth anything to me. Something along those lines. But you still looked like you. I couldn't believe my praents' gaul at asking him for help, especially now. But each of them just looked at me, including Mike, with a knowing glance... "Don't take this on, Mandie." That's what they were saying with their eyes. You were wearing a really strange green sweater, and i remember having the thought that it was ugly, but that you must have broadened your horizons because when i knew you, you wouldn't have been caught dead in anything like that. I didn't say anything to you at first because I am still so sad about us, but you started to say something to me to make that contact, and stopped. We all knew you wanted to do something, say something, change... something about the situation. Mike kind of nudged me toward you as mom and dad gave me a look. So I walked over and said oh come here give me a hug, and we both had big smiles on our faces. Mine was real as long as I only thought about the fact that I was with you again, but I faked it because it hurt so much. I don't know if you were happy or sad or indifferent because you never said anything else. I pulled away from you and got a wiff of cologne. A scent you hadn't worn when we were together, and it made me wonder if you were really growing up. Then you went about your work and so did I.
THINKING OF YOU 10/13/08 12:03 PM
I was thinking of you today, like most days. And you know what I keep coming back to? We were so unhappy. I heard in a song the other day, something about how happiness shouldn't be measured by the moments after you stop fighting. That's how I measured us. Always. That really wasnt fair or right to either of us. We both deserve to be so much happier than that. And that's what is really making this more ok for me, I think. Because sometimes, like on my birthday, I think about you hard and for a long time. And I miss you so much. And then I remember how our relationship actualy was, and though parts of it were fun happy and healthy... most of it wasn't. And I'm really letting all of that guilt that I had toward not being able to make you happier or healthier... go. I'm really becoming ok with the fact that you gave me everything you were capable of, but that it wasn't enough. And that's ok, because it just means that there is someone better for me. Someone more right, makes me happier. And I really do worry about you still, and think about you all of the time, but really I think about you in the same way that I think about Sophie, and how I felt so bad because she was too much for me and I couldn't be the right one for her. That's how I think of you anymore... I'm sad that we weren't right for eachother... and mostly, I'm sad because I feel that I failed you. And I know I shouldn't take that on, because its not my job to be your savior, you have to save yourself. But I loved you and I love you still, and if it were within my power to do it you would have been saved already. You would have been happy all along. Now I just have to deal with the pain that I cannot fix the one person I want more than anything to be fixed.
A Poem, Que Terible.
i can't let go
my grip steadfast in hopes
you will last
you will grow in my heart
i can't give up
my love still shows
in my eyes
you must know what i see
i can't tear away
my heart bears a burden
a weight
heavy with the baggage you carry
i won't stop now
were i wise i would try
to forget
to remember the regret of mistake
i won't die down
there's a flame yet burning
for you
but time is cool rain
and i'll smoke out my feelings
and carry those embers
precious and glowing
to another love
another flame
one more chance of life inflagrante.
my grip steadfast in hopes
you will last
you will grow in my heart
i can't give up
my love still shows
in my eyes
you must know what i see
i can't tear away
my heart bears a burden
a weight
heavy with the baggage you carry
i won't stop now
were i wise i would try
to forget
to remember the regret of mistake
i won't die down
there's a flame yet burning
for you
but time is cool rain
and i'll smoke out my feelings
and carry those embers
precious and glowing
to another love
another flame
one more chance of life inflagrante.
Irony
I'm going to put this out there for myself, and only I will understand it, so don't try to. Obama's girls have allergies and need a hypoallergenic dog. What a good father. What a good parent to recognize how important a pet is for the development of a child's precious and fragile psyche. Even thought both Sasha and Malia are incredibly allergic to dogs, the good father and good man that Obama is... is finding a way around it, because he loves his daughters. Dogs are so important in so many ways. They teach you so many things about life. I think a child who didn't have the fortune of having a pet is lacking something when they reach adulthood. You are forced to think about something other than yourself when you must take on the responsability of caring for a pet. And even though Obama's girls are actually alergic to dogs... he's not letting that stop them from having that unparalleled experience. And it's because he is a good parent. The black, liberal, democratic, young, brand new president who kicked McCain's ass... is an amazing parent.
Trouble is a friend, so don't be alarmed if he takes you by the arm. I won't let him win, but I'm a sucker for his charm.
So it finally happened. I knew that it would, and I've been preparing for a long time. And while I sit here, still, I'm fighting with the two halves of me that can't seem to agree on much of anything. Half the time I tell myself I am finally free, that all his problems arn't my problem anymore, and I'm lucky. I said to a girlfriend yesterday, "oh he just can't get over himself... which makes ONE of us." And sometimes I really believe that. And sometimes it hurts so much that he is gone. Not really that HE is gone, mind you, but that love is gone. He's got a new girlfriend now, which of course I knew was coming... that's all you can expect from a serial monogamist. But it still hurts. And yet some part of me is so relieved. Because now we arn't the last things to grace eachother's lives. He's got a whole new life that I don't know about, and I have one too. So how can a thing that brings you peace be the very same thing that breaks your heart? Maybe because I devoted so much of myself to him, that since he so quickly jumped into someone else's arms it makes me feel devalidated. No, there's no maybe about it... that's exactly it. Where did our love go?
Now I am speaking directly to you. How dare you. What happened to I'll love you forever, you are the one, you are the only person I've ever really loved? Where did your dreams go, where did your passion, your heart, your enthusiasm, your spark... where did it all slink away to? You used to love me and hold me so close, and without anger or pain. And it turned somewhere. You let the fear of your mother take over. You let the fear of being like your father take over. You were so lucky to have me, so lucky that you had a shot at a happy life, and you let that knwledge go. It's so heart-breaking that I was the one who saw the light in you, and that you couldn't even trust yourself enough to see how good you were for me. You could only see your pain, and your weakness. It's so sad that I now understand what you saw, and that I agree with you. I'm so lucky to be out of that life, out of that anger. I can breathe for the first time, smile for myself, speak for myself, love myself, without you. I worry for you, instead of long to be with you. And that's the hardest piece to let go. Because I will always love you, and hope that you can find your way. But part of me will always feel a loss, and rage for what happened to us, and that you weren't strong enough to make me enough. You told me you needed to be on your own, that you don't even know who you are, that you needed to find your place in this world. It wasn't enough to date someone who had life, you needed life too. You couldn't believe all of the wonderful things I saw in you, you had to see them for yourself. And that's true. I've always known it was true. But then why would you spit in the face of that one shining moment when you were actually a man, and run out to find yourself a new girl to occupy your time? Occupy your thoughts... so you don't have to be in your own head, figuring out your own messes. You were such a grown up in so many ways that night, and in the end when I made you step up to the plate and decide what turn our relationship would take, you did the one and only honorable thing you had done throughout our 15 months together. You had such a chance. And I believed you might really take your new found self-awareness and use it to make your life better. It breaks my heart that I was so right about you, to the point that my greatest fear for you has been realized and that instead of taking the path of self-discovery, you have decided to let yet another girl (not even a WOMAN) decide for you who you are. So my hands are finally washed of all the blood your mother spilled. My concience is clean and no longer heavy with the burden of being in an abusive realtionship. My heart finally has a chance to find someone who doesn't smother and stab, and though I still cry sometimes because I'm used to what we had... unlike you, I mean the words I say. And there is truth in my desire to find that one person who gives me what I have always given freely to you, my heart... one that beats even though it is scarred.
Now I am speaking directly to you. How dare you. What happened to I'll love you forever, you are the one, you are the only person I've ever really loved? Where did your dreams go, where did your passion, your heart, your enthusiasm, your spark... where did it all slink away to? You used to love me and hold me so close, and without anger or pain. And it turned somewhere. You let the fear of your mother take over. You let the fear of being like your father take over. You were so lucky to have me, so lucky that you had a shot at a happy life, and you let that knwledge go. It's so heart-breaking that I was the one who saw the light in you, and that you couldn't even trust yourself enough to see how good you were for me. You could only see your pain, and your weakness. It's so sad that I now understand what you saw, and that I agree with you. I'm so lucky to be out of that life, out of that anger. I can breathe for the first time, smile for myself, speak for myself, love myself, without you. I worry for you, instead of long to be with you. And that's the hardest piece to let go. Because I will always love you, and hope that you can find your way. But part of me will always feel a loss, and rage for what happened to us, and that you weren't strong enough to make me enough. You told me you needed to be on your own, that you don't even know who you are, that you needed to find your place in this world. It wasn't enough to date someone who had life, you needed life too. You couldn't believe all of the wonderful things I saw in you, you had to see them for yourself. And that's true. I've always known it was true. But then why would you spit in the face of that one shining moment when you were actually a man, and run out to find yourself a new girl to occupy your time? Occupy your thoughts... so you don't have to be in your own head, figuring out your own messes. You were such a grown up in so many ways that night, and in the end when I made you step up to the plate and decide what turn our relationship would take, you did the one and only honorable thing you had done throughout our 15 months together. You had such a chance. And I believed you might really take your new found self-awareness and use it to make your life better. It breaks my heart that I was so right about you, to the point that my greatest fear for you has been realized and that instead of taking the path of self-discovery, you have decided to let yet another girl (not even a WOMAN) decide for you who you are. So my hands are finally washed of all the blood your mother spilled. My concience is clean and no longer heavy with the burden of being in an abusive realtionship. My heart finally has a chance to find someone who doesn't smother and stab, and though I still cry sometimes because I'm used to what we had... unlike you, I mean the words I say. And there is truth in my desire to find that one person who gives me what I have always given freely to you, my heart... one that beats even though it is scarred.
Yes. We. Did.
This is it, America. President Barack Obama will finally take the thrown. After all the hard work, blood, sweat, tears, and years, we will see and feel our victory in Washington. The man who carries the heart and souls of even the quietest American will take those voices through the years ahead and turn them in to a roar of change and hope. We have fought so long and wishes so hard for the chance to see the America we all know can exist again, and Barack Obama will be that banner carrier. He will wave our flag, show our colors and shape this country back into the mold it was meant to be. We are a great nation of strength, courage, and heart. Our leader screams at the top of his lungs and whispers in each of our ears that we CAN be what we once were again, that we are MORE than what we have become, and that with his help, we will once more feel the pride in our hearts of this united nation, and be strong in our decree that we are Americans, and YES. WE. CAN.
Barack.
I have... something I'd like to say today. Over the past two years, I have been neck-deep in politics. I have followed the election since everyone has been saying "but its two years away!" And its because I want so much for this country to be ok. I've been searching for an answer for so long, that when the time came for someone to take Bush's place, I was chomping at the bit to know more. To learn who these men were. As time passed... to learn who these WOMEN were. I knew it was going to be a time of big change, not only a shifting of power, but with the first woman as the speaker of the house, and with my recent return from my first trip to Washington D.C., I could feel something in the air. Not a cloud looming overhead, but a stirring of something... something... hopeful. And who comes along to set ablaze that little spark in my heart? Barack Obama, bellowing "FIRE IT UP!" with every step on the campaign trail. Hope-mongering be damned, that man made me feel alive. He made me feel a true and unfaltering hope that this country could be better, that my people could be better, that we could reclaim our position as leaders of the free world, and again help our brothers and neighbors because finally, we can once again help ourselves. We can be whole, we can be good. That is what Obama said to me, and that is what I felt when I shook his hand. Looking at Barack Obama (now I'm going to be a little emotional, here), often brings tears to my eyes. What he believes in, what he wishes for all of us, is what I have so longed for in my knowledge of the world around me. I have wanted to shout from rooftops, "WE HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE THE WORLD... We are better than these last eight years... Yes we can... ENOUGH." Obama, is me speaking out, he is you, and my mom, and my friends, and everyone I have ever heard complain that the system doesn't work for them. The republican system doesn't work for us, Barack Obama, HOPE, FAITH, STRENGTH, that works for us. We used to be a country that helped however and whomever we could, now we can hardly sustain ourselves. I can feel it, and I've felt it for a long time. I know you can feel it, too. When I look at Barack Obama, I see the best in all of us. I see JFK, I see John Adams, I see my grandfather. I feel his warmth, dedication, passion, and heart. Its time for us, all of us, to have someone like that be the leader of our world. Its time for a return to our ideals, a time to remember what used to be good, and how we were good to eachother. He will lead the way. He is the one to bring us back, because he knows that he cannot do it alone, and that is the difference between our next president and John McCain. WE as the American people can only battle through the tough times and make things better for ourselves. Barack can only be a strong leader, whispering in our ears words of encouragement and hope. We must do the work ourselves, and Barack can be the leader we need to change this country we have let fall apart at our feet. It's time to take back what was given to us, and appreciate all the we as Americans have, and find that place again wehre we can use our fortune to help the world, and to be the kind of Americans our ancestors hoped for for the future. We say we are the land of the free, the home of the brave, and there is no greater gift than to be an American. Under Barack Obama, i might just start to feel the truth in that again.
Who will love a little sparrow?
This is the greatest and best song that I've heard in a long time. Aphrodite herself loved a little sparrow, and it was sacred to her. This song is about helping your brother, or at least someone in need, no matter how small. That's really the important thing to remember in the world we are all in today, isn't it, friends? I've been thinking about help lately. We all need it, we all get it in some way, but how much do we give? The earth has been there from our conseption and will be there long after our departure... what are we doing for our oldest dearest comrade? Just something to keep in your mind and heart...
Who will love a little Sparrow?
Who's traveled far and cries for rest?
"Not I," said the Oak Tree,
"I won't share my branches with
no sparrow's nest,
And my blanket of leaves won't warm
her cold breast."
Who will love a little Sparrow
And who will speak a kindly word?
"Not I," said the Swan,
"The entire idea is utterly absurd,
I'd be laughed at and scorned if the
other Swans heard."
Who will take pity in his heart,
And who will feed a starving sparrow?
"Not I," said the Golden Wheat,
"I would if I could but I cannot I know,
I need all my grain to prosper and grow."
Who will love a little Sparrow?
Will no one write her eulogy?
"I will," said the Earth,
"For all I've created returns unto me,
From dust were ye made and dust ye shall be."
Who will love a little Sparrow?
Who's traveled far and cries for rest?
"Not I," said the Oak Tree,
"I won't share my branches with
no sparrow's nest,
And my blanket of leaves won't warm
her cold breast."
Who will love a little Sparrow
And who will speak a kindly word?
"Not I," said the Swan,
"The entire idea is utterly absurd,
I'd be laughed at and scorned if the
other Swans heard."
Who will take pity in his heart,
And who will feed a starving sparrow?
"Not I," said the Golden Wheat,
"I would if I could but I cannot I know,
I need all my grain to prosper and grow."
Who will love a little Sparrow?
Will no one write her eulogy?
"I will," said the Earth,
"For all I've created returns unto me,
From dust were ye made and dust ye shall be."
Sylar
Dear God. What a heavenly body. THIS is the ultimate in delicious masculinity. Look at that shirt, look at those eyes. I'd lick him up like an ice cream cone if I could. Watch Heroes on Monday and oggle with me!
James!
James is here. My dear Kojo. He came here to visit little old me and we have been watching videos all night and listening to Bob Marley. This was my favorite video of the night and I wanted to share it with you cuz that's the type of night we've had. ENJOY!
Something's Up with Jack, Something's Up with Jack...
I've entered a whole new world, as of late. I had never seen Tim Burton's Nightmare Bfore Christmas, but on October 13th, 2008 I knew that all had to change. People had been telling me for years that I would love it, and in fact I have quite a collection of Burton's work; my favorites being Big Fish and The Corpse Bride. But I had managed to get through the past 10 years without missing it, until finally last night I saw the film. What an amazing experience! Early one night I had decided to go off to bed, but couldn't sleep and upon coming out to the family room to visit with my roommate, I realized I hadn't yet missed Jay Leno's musical guest. At the time, I had misheard and believed K.D. Lang was to perform. Imagine my surprise and glee to find it was instead Amy Lee! Sally's Song filled my ears and heart, and since then the plan was set in to motion to finally put NMBC in my repetoir of films. Last night with a bottle of reisling, my friends and I sat down and watched, and Sally's Song has become one of those core songs in my life's playlist. With such an amazing story, visuals, and moral, please... if you are like me and have spent the past 10 years under a rock... see Nightmare Before Christmas!
A serial multi-blogger.
Hi, my name is mandie, and I'm a blog-aholic. These are old blogs... one is very old, one is not so. Check them out, cuz I'm never going to write on either of these again. But they're pretty fun and they gave me a good laugh.
http://mcmurfster.livejournal.com/
http://members.greenpeace.org/blog/mmmurphy
http://mcmurfster.livejournal.com/
http://members.greenpeace.org/blog/mmmurphy
NEVER go through your old messages
Because THIS is the type of shit you will find two months after you break up with the boy you thought you were going to marry...
Trevor McGraw to me
show details Jun 28 Reply
Hey Pretty Girl,
right now i am sitting on my couch, waiting for you to come over. i am so sad
that i didn't get to see you that much today because you make everyday that i
spend with you so much better than when i am alone. I love you so much Amanda.
I wont ever be able to tell you how i really feel because there is not enough
time to do so properly. i am stoked to go canoeing tomorrow, this is something
we really needed. i was hoping to go for a longer canoe since we both don't
have anything going on sunday. i guess i just want to get away with you and be
out on our own. i hope i make you as happy as u make me feel. I know sometimes
you struggle to keep from choking me to death for being a boy, but please know
that you are the first thing on my mind when i wake up, the last thing on my
mind at night, and the only thing i want on my mind/body in the future. I love
you I love you I love u. and then some, the kisses and the huggs
XOXOXOXOXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXOXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxXXXXxxxXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXo ----- please note the amount of kiss to hug ratio.
Trevor McGraw to me
show details Jun 28 Reply
Hey Pretty Girl,
right now i am sitting on my couch, waiting for you to come over. i am so sad
that i didn't get to see you that much today because you make everyday that i
spend with you so much better than when i am alone. I love you so much Amanda.
I wont ever be able to tell you how i really feel because there is not enough
time to do so properly. i am stoked to go canoeing tomorrow, this is something
we really needed. i was hoping to go for a longer canoe since we both don't
have anything going on sunday. i guess i just want to get away with you and be
out on our own. i hope i make you as happy as u make me feel. I know sometimes
you struggle to keep from choking me to death for being a boy, but please know
that you are the first thing on my mind when i wake up, the last thing on my
mind at night, and the only thing i want on my mind/body in the future. I love
you I love you I love u. and then some, the kisses and the huggs
XOXOXOXOXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXOXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxXXXXxxxXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXo ----- please note the amount of kiss to hug ratio.
Captchas can be cool.
I wish there was a captcha for life... that way I could figure out who's a real person and who's a robot.
First Impressions are Key
Since I get to do what I want on this blog, I'm going to start it out honestly.
Just a couple things: I want to be her. I want someone like him in my life, because I've never seen anyone adore anyone more than he does her. This song reminds me of my current ex-love, who's last name happens to be McGraw... so it fits. Though, he didn't adore me as much as Tim adores Faith. And he couldn't sing.
There. Raw enough? Now that I've set the tone, why don't y'all just settle in. I speak my mind quite frequently, I find interesting things online, and I love to play, so being as I'm a pretty straight-forward, no-bullshit, playful sort of person, I'd like to welcome you to read my blog if you think you can handle it. If not... well, this is for me anyway so, peace. If you stumble upon this, I hope it brings you some enjoyment, but really I just needed a place to organize all my ADHD thoughts.
Happy Reading, bitches!
So what's on my mind today, like all days, of course is he who shall not be names. Really I just don't feel like admitting that it's him I'm thinking about, and as long as I don't say his name, in my own mind I'm safe. Deal with it. And watch that video again... have you ever just wanted so badly to be able to put something out there for someone in thehopes that they might see it? It's naiive and silly to wish for something like that, but I keep feeling this need to stay close to him. Because really, in the couple of times that I have seen him since, it was like we never loved at all... I just want to call him and ask him... did you ever miss me? Did you ever long to kiss me? Fantasies... Anyway, it's been a couple months and I'm doing well. Much better than I was, to say the least. I go about my life, I have fun, I see my friends, but really I'm still so heart-broken. And I've been in relationships before where it's ended badly, like this one, and I know I get over it but I keep wondering when this is going to be done with. In my head, I'm so over it and him. Not worth it, too young, too new, too immature, too many things that were really bad for me, but I can't forget how good it felt to be with him when times were good. I can't forget the magic or the passion. And you know? I was told so many times that love isn't everything, but I never believed it because what else is a 21 year old bright-eyed liberal modern-day-hippie supposed to believe? Love conquers all. I still believe that to a point, but I've learned from this newest heartbreak that it takes so much work and time and energy too. I had never known how much it really takes to stay with someone, even though love SHOULD be enough. It just can't be. There's too much else. So now the both of us will concentrate our energy towards eachother in a new way, pretending like the other doesn't exist and that everyone is happy as a clam. Thank god I've got this blog to spill my guts to, because what's more important than love when your in the jungle of college peers? Saving face. God... I'm such a contradiction.
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