So this letter is three pages long, and the result of my attempt at "being" instead of "thinking." I simply took up a keyboard and began to type. And what resulted were the exact feelings I've been having without even realizing I had the words to say it. Here it is:
To You-
I’ve put it off far long enough, I should suppose, as its been two years since ive seen neither hide nor hair from you. And I hope you are happy. I truly hope that alex has given you what you and I both believed I never could. Can I go back to the beginning and tell you the story of us? I think that if I could, you might understand what happened between us, and maybe I would understand it too. You see, when I met you, I was in the worst possible place I had ever been in in my entire life. There has been nothing before or since then that messed me up as bad as I was when you met me. And yet, you saw passed all of that. The only thing I can manage to conclude is that you came too soon. Just like our song, if you weren’t real I would make you up, but you just came too soon. I was terrified of men, and a relationship, and in my classic way, I assumed I understood how men and women interact based on one short-lived sexual relationship. And I measured us by that old relationship. And I’m so sorry. I thought I was so smart, that I knew the way the world worked, and that our relationship didn’t fit, because I assessed that it wasn’t the kind of relationship it should have been. Though, in reality it was exactly what I needed. I know that you know I wasn’t over Dex when you started dating me, but it was so hard not to fall in love with you. Honestly, I just wish you had kissed me. Or tried, at least, to make it known that you wanted me. I was so young and naive, and I concluded that because you weren’t a horny disrespectful little pervert, I must not have been desirable to you. And therefore, you became neutral. But you were the best kind of man, and I would have been the luckiest girl in the world had I known it then. It took me several months and a breakup to realize that I really did want you, but yet again, it wasn’t enough. I wish it had been. But when alex threatened the happy existence I had known as mike and mandie, I broke for a moment, broke away from my fear, and dared to believe that I could be happy as an us. But you were too much, and I forced myself to find reasons for why we would never work. I think now, it’s because I wasn’t ready for you. You were terrifying. And I thought you just wanted someone, it didn’t matter who. It took me a long time to realize that it was much more than I had perceived. It took you leaving, I think. I kept running running running from you and now that I got away, all I want to do is get back to you. The reason behind all of this is that you have been on my mind constantly since you messaged me on my birthday. For some reason you have this power over me, as I once did over you. And I should think that it is nice, at least, to know you can repay the favor. All I have to go off of is my own insight and analysis, which you and I both know is often misconstrued, inaccurate, and presumptuous. But it’s all I’ve got. You see, 2 years ago when everything went down between us, I imagined you would need some time to stay away from me. It had happened before, especially when it came to Alex, or Heather, or any other girl you were using to try and forget me, and I knew I needed to give you that time. You deserved that, at the very least, from me. But months went by, and soon I knew we were never to be the same. Alex quickly took the place in your heart I once filled, so I guess, and she fills it yet to this day. But I wonder often, if you ever miss me. Or if the things that remind me of you, the very small things that I find myself brought to tears over now, I wonder if they make you think back on all of our time together. We had so many amazing adventures, and there are many memories between us that always seem to bring me back to life during the worst times. I don’t know why it took me so long, Mike, to come to the place that I am now. But I remember what we were well enough to know that you would want to hear me say it. In some way, I (must) believe that you need the affirmation that I love you. I love you and I always have. I guess that is the irony of our relationship, though, Mike. Our friendship has always been very much about unrequited love. First you for I, and now I for you. And it’s not fair, hear me say. It hurts so much to know that there is someone out there who you would be with in an instant if only that person could see the light. And I must say, this is it’s own brand of pain to know that you once reciprocated the very thing I am feeling now. And for that, I am so deeply sorry. I don’t think I could even attempt to string together a beautiful enough phrase to tell you how much it aches to know how you were hurting. And I feel so stupid for not seeing it, yet worse, refusing to. What I would give to rewind the clock and go back to the Mike I knew 2 and a half years ago. When you would drop anything to see me, drive through the night even, if I needed you. There has been no one before or since you, that loved me that much. And I took you for granted. I truly believed that I would be lucky enough to have you in my life forever, that I came to expect it. It has taken me a lot of time, and tears, to come to the realization that you can’t expect anything in life, even when the provider is the best person you have ever known. I can’t imagine how much you must resent me, and all the pain I put you through. I know, I didn’t do it on purpose, and I hope you know that too. I hope you know how much I truly always did love you. You were my everything, I just never realized what that meant. I’m torturously learning it day by day, as I write this. Some how, you have snuck up on me, Mike. Without doing anything at all, I can’t seem to escape my never-ending thoughts of you. What you’re doing, what you’re saying, what you might be thinking, if you’ve ever thought of me, what our friendship meant to you, or what it still might mean to you. I don’t think I could possibly bear the idea that you want nothing to do with me. Even now, after two years of silence and a happy niche with Alex, I can’t help but sense that you could want me in your life again. I miss you so much. It’s almost unbearable some days, when everything seems to remind me of you with each turn. Do you remember how we used to drive all over the city listening to Dashboard Confessional? It’s fitting now that every single song would remind me of you, and they do. I can’t get through a summer, a New Years, a Christmas, bowling, renting a movie, a graduation party, a Walt Whitman poem, or a night under the stars without you being the foremost thought in my mind. What sweet, unspoken vindication for you, I would imagine. If you only knew. Since October, you’ve been ever more present in my thoughts, to the point that I’ve seriously contemplated calling you just to hear your voice. At first, I thought I just longed for your friendship again, but with time I realized though friendship would be such a gift, I want you back. The way it was when I was too scared for it. What evil is it that now I’m ready, and you have found what you were looking for in someone else? I hate it, and yet its almost humorous. It is so unfair, but to come to terms with all of this, and everything that happened between us, and everything that we meant to each other, I suppose it would take this very feeling I have right now, to push me to change it. Of course, I don’t want to live with this longing, as I am not as strong as you. Where you dealt with it for three years, I can scarcely handle 3 months of this hell. Mike, I just want you in my life again. That’s all there is, and the only thing I would ask for. You and I have seen so much in our short time together, learned so much about one another, and loved so much. I have never been able to define what we are, what we were, nor been able to imagine where we would be in the future. But I certainly can say that I never thought we would be here. To go from the liveliest of couples who strutted out on the dance floor at prom and got the party going, to not even knowing where each other lives, is a horrendous and heartbreaking fall. I can honestly say it is the last cruel joke I ever saw being played. And now that it has, and 2 years have gone by without you in my life, I know I have learned an invaluable lesson. We were too good together to let it end. You walked out on me two years ago, and this time, though all the times before it was you hoping for more, it is me now wanting more. You may think it insincere, but my life isn’t half as good with out you in it. You made me feel for the first time like I belonged somewhere, and dare I say, to someone, and as bad as I already know this is going to sound, I can’t help but feel like you are sharing that connection with the wrong girl. Won’t you at the very least, do me the extreme favor of at least letting me be in your life again? Though I will always want more, having your friendship would be the answer to a very long-awaited prayer.
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