Trouble is a friend, so don't be alarmed if he takes you by the arm. I won't let him win, but I'm a sucker for his charm.

So it finally happened. I knew that it would, and I've been preparing for a long time. And while I sit here, still, I'm fighting with the two halves of me that can't seem to agree on much of anything. Half the time I tell myself I am finally free, that all his problems arn't my problem anymore, and I'm lucky. I said to a girlfriend yesterday, "oh he just can't get over himself... which makes ONE of us." And sometimes I really believe that. And sometimes it hurts so much that he is gone. Not really that HE is gone, mind you, but that love is gone. He's got a new girlfriend now, which of course I knew was coming... that's all you can expect from a serial monogamist. But it still hurts. And yet some part of me is so relieved. Because now we arn't the last things to grace eachother's lives. He's got a whole new life that I don't know about, and I have one too. So how can a thing that brings you peace be the very same thing that breaks your heart? Maybe because I devoted so much of myself to him, that since he so quickly jumped into someone else's arms it makes me feel devalidated. No, there's no maybe about it... that's exactly it. Where did our love go?
Now I am speaking directly to you. How dare you. What happened to I'll love you forever, you are the one, you are the only person I've ever really loved? Where did your dreams go, where did your passion, your heart, your enthusiasm, your spark... where did it all slink away to? You used to love me and hold me so close, and without anger or pain. And it turned somewhere. You let the fear of your mother take over. You let the fear of being like your father take over. You were so lucky to have me, so lucky that you had a shot at a happy life, and you let that knwledge go. It's so heart-breaking that I was the one who saw the light in you, and that you couldn't even trust yourself enough to see how good you were for me. You could only see your pain, and your weakness. It's so sad that I now understand what you saw, and that I agree with you. I'm so lucky to be out of that life, out of that anger. I can breathe for the first time, smile for myself, speak for myself, love myself, without you. I worry for you, instead of long to be with you. And that's the hardest piece to let go. Because I will always love you, and hope that you can find your way. But part of me will always feel a loss, and rage for what happened to us, and that you weren't strong enough to make me enough. You told me you needed to be on your own, that you don't even know who you are, that you needed to find your place in this world. It wasn't enough to date someone who had life, you needed life too. You couldn't believe all of the wonderful things I saw in you, you had to see them for yourself. And that's true. I've always known it was true. But then why would you spit in the face of that one shining moment when you were actually a man, and run out to find yourself a new girl to occupy your time? Occupy your thoughts... so you don't have to be in your own head, figuring out your own messes. You were such a grown up in so many ways that night, and in the end when I made you step up to the plate and decide what turn our relationship would take, you did the one and only honorable thing you had done throughout our 15 months together. You had such a chance. And I believed you might really take your new found self-awareness and use it to make your life better. It breaks my heart that I was so right about you, to the point that my greatest fear for you has been realized and that instead of taking the path of self-discovery, you have decided to let yet another girl (not even a WOMAN) decide for you who you are. So my hands are finally washed of all the blood your mother spilled. My concience is clean and no longer heavy with the burden of being in an abusive realtionship. My heart finally has a chance to find someone who doesn't smother and stab, and though I still cry sometimes because I'm used to what we had... unlike you, I mean the words I say. And there is truth in my desire to find that one person who gives me what I have always given freely to you, my heart... one that beats even though it is scarred.