Hey There Delilah

Mike. You were my best friend so long ago and now we have one of those relationships wehre if we saw eachother on the street it would be a fake friendly shallow conversation. and we promised we would never do that. it was so unfair to you mike. i see it so much clearer now. you must have hated me in a way. i miss you so much, and every day. i hate that. but i imagine it's my payback for how you must have felt through those years. you know, one night during my freshman year... i don't know what was happening but i kept thinking about you and this one idea kept at me. i thought how terrible it would be if i never got to kiss you again, if i never got to tell you how i really felt. i called you. i had to tell you and talk to you and figure it out. and you didn't answer. was it for the best? that's what i told myself. and i cried so much that night for everything that we had been through and because i couldn't find you but i never did anything about it. i know now that it spoke volumes about where i was at. and truly, i didn't recognize that you were in love with me. i didn't recognize that i was in love with you too. i wasn't ready mike, and i am so sorry. and i'm paying for it now, i promise you. it's so strange, i remember how heartbroken i was when you stopped being my friend, and i never imagined how heartbroken YOU must have been to stop being my friend in the first place. and you really meant everything to me, and you were my entire world. i measured every person in my life against you and yet i must have tortured you. god i can't imagine how much it hurt. how didn't i see it. i did, in a way, but i didn't want to see where you were coming from. i had never had a man be so good to me as you were, not before you and not since. and that kills me in such a big way. because as strange is it feels to think this way, especially because the mike i knew isn't even you anymore, i'm ready now for what you wanted them. i miss you so much that looking back at old messages between us make me cry. walt makes me cry. remembering everything we've been through breaks my heart and chips away at me so much. remember when you left poems on my car? remember visiting your sister? remember cheesecake at the band shell? i feel like i really am living in your letters now. all of our history takes me back to this place where i knew i was so loved by such a good guy, and that's all i want now. and ive questioned myself whether or not its because im alone and because i hate how we ended, but i love you so much still and i know that its not ever going to go away because every time i think about you i feel and think the exact same thing. i wish you were back in my life, and i wish i felt then how i feel now. it isn't fair, but i guess it makes sense. you had to live with knowing i didn't want to be with you and now i have to live with knowing i don't even get to have you in my life. it seems like a fair consequence but so unfair to my heart.