Alex moved to Chicago today, I saw it on Facebook. I hate facebook so much. I give it everything and it only makes me sad. Much like most of the men I've had in my life, which stands to reason, then, how Facebook was created by a man. I amuse myself with tangents, and I apologize. Seeing Alex's status today got me wondering about Mike. His status is "misses her and cannot wait to go to Chicago." Alexxxxxx. I've been so heartbroken over Mike lately, and it's so unfair because it's too late. Alex is good to him, and gives him just what he needs. But we were better together. I was just young, I wasn't ready. I'm paying now. But mom called to see what I was up to today and I asked her if she knew Alex was moving to Chicago, and if she knew Mike's plans. Alex and Mike had lived together in Virginia, so I assumed they'd continue, knowing Mike secretly hopes to be married by 25 and the clock is ticking. Mom made some off-handed comment about Mike and Alex, and I jumped on it. "They spent tons of time apart over the past year and were fine, I don't think he's moving to Chicago," she said. "Precisely the reason they've lasted so long," I responded. We agreed she was what he needed at the time, but she is crazy and he could have done better. "I don't want him to marry her," I said next. "I don't know why it bothers me so much," though it was a lie. I know just why it gets to me. Its so obvious I don't even need to say it out loud to her. Mom agrees, "I don't know why it bothers you so much, either," she continues the lie for my sake, "but it does." And then she said something I didn't expect, and certainly didn't want to hear. "You could have had him, you know." And I know. We all know. Except the problem now is that I want him. And for reasons I know I'll never understand, I didn't want him before. Not like that. I said, "I guess its just a classic example of wanting what I can't have," I posed to mom. "I think you're right," she knows I'm fibbing, "but I'm not sure he was it." Holding back tears, because I just don't want her to know how much his absence still hurts, I manage to choke, "I respectfully disagree." "You might be right, baby," was all I managed to hear through the ringing in my head.
Mike, I miss you so much.
Cyanide and Happiness is Fantastic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
What's the song in your head? Does it push you to do great things? Talk to a person you never would? Or does it simply remind you how lucky you are to be breathing?
The Beast, The Jellyfish, and The Lamb: NOT a children's book
So in April 2007 I got kicked out of my apartment by a cRrRrRRrRrrazy person, a jellyfish, and a sheep. And something Crazy had said to me stayed with me for a long time because I wondered if other, more sane, people might agree. Crazy said to me something about how I act superior...how I've got to be better than everyone, or I think I'm better than everyone, something along those lines... but her example was school. Of all things, my studies? Please, if anything, I act superior to peoples morals... I know it. And I feel it. I'm not going to pretend that I don't think I'm a better human being than I lot of the scum-suckers out there, because I really do think I'm superior to some. She didn't even know me well enough to highlight my ACTUAL egocentricities, she had to make something up? Fail, psycho hose beast. Anyway, she said i talked down her LAMB of a boyfriend's major... Geology, because I took a Geology class and said it was 'so easy, any idiot could be a geologist.' Like 'any idiot could be a geologist' is even in my syntax repertoire. Lord. Thus ensues the torrent of proof that my former roommate suffers from dimentia, because I practically failed my Geology class as it was so intense. And I even complained 'DAMN i thought this INTRO 101 CLASS was going to be easy and it's rocking (ha) my face off!' It was a 101 class, I was a sophomore, I thought I would be fine. But Geology is a hard subject for me! Cue the lamb, who is a Geo major and my one-time best friend. I asked for his help because he's brilliant and loves Geology, and he knew how to speak my language so I'd understand. And like I wouldn't take any excuse I could to get just a LITTLE bit of one on one time away from HER? She wasn't even appreciative of the fact that I handed her this wonderful famous-last-name-toting boyfriend on a silver platter with a full user's guide. She wasn't a good person. So, when all of this happened April 31st, 2007, I was appalled when the one-time-best-friend-turned-sex-addicted-baby-sheep backed every last word Crazy said, including the horrible misrepresentation and defamation of my character. Something John swore he would never let ANYONE get away with. Which brings me to my pain-staking point; I was feeling (sadly, not) unusually nostalgic tonight and went through the old message exchanges between John and I. And some of them were so funny they brought me back to this place where I missed him so much. Some were so lovely they brought me to tears. We said I love you, I'm always here for you, I've never met anyone like you... once rich, heartfelt words that are trunk moths now. But in the midst of all those memories, I found a message in conjunction with my verbal pleading of John and his expertise to get me through Geology:
John Emery DeLong
January 8, 2007 at 12:04pm
What is the formal name of the class? History of the Earth, Enviromental Diasters, or Intro. to Geology. I need answers if Im going to be able to help. Damnit mandie!
Carl, your tutor?
Mandie Murphy
January 8, 2007 at 4:43pm
Geology 101: Environmental. I have to do Calibrated Peer Reviews, exercises from a CD, pop-quizzes (which i typo-ed just now as poop-quizzes), and papers! Not to mention the normal stuff like 4 tests and an applicatory final! I will be enlisting my smart and ever so sweet best friend for his help. :)
Even though it's a year and 8 months later, I still feel better somehow, now that I know this is out there and that I stumbled upon it like I did, when I was really feeling down. And yet... it makes me so sad. Because I also found a message where John and I argued over how I could so easily erase Nick from my life and my explanation to John was that I was so tired of people always making decisions that effect my heart when I'm not even the one throwing around the ultimatum. Mikey and Kim Topp did it when it came to Aly and Shannon, Mike did it when it came to Alexandra, Luke did it, Meghan did it, and now... John fits in to that category too. I never asked him to choose, but without hesitation he backed everything she said, even though I'm looking at the very words we said that disprove her lies. And sadly, I erased John from my life even more successfully than I have Nick because I will speak to Nick if he's unfortunate enough to come in to my vicinity. Poor John would never see that civility. With his final words of, 'I guess this is it,' he solidified our fate. He broke my heart so many times that year with everything that happened between us, that with sam slapped on as our proverbial icing on the cake, it just hurt too much to stay. Not to mention I was banished by her, and he uttered nothing in my defense. Yet I thought our friendship could make it through anything, I really did. And every word I ever said to him, I said with conviction, truth, and so much heart. And he loved me despite all of that. He accepted and admired my grit and quirks, and flaws. Until that fateful fucking day when he threw himself in to my history book as one of the greatest heartbreaks of my life. I guess, in a strange way that's probably what he wanted. For my heart to break as much as his had. For me to feel for him how I felt for Tunink, Mahler, and Nick. They hurt my feelings because they didn't like me back. Nick destroyed me for... well, a lot of things, but John... he really did a number on me. Really knocked me down to nothing. And its something that I haven't 100% gotten up from, but having pieces and glimpses like that one I'm sharing here... well... I hope they help me in the resilience department.
John Emery DeLong
January 8, 2007 at 12:04pm
What is the formal name of the class? History of the Earth, Enviromental Diasters, or Intro. to Geology. I need answers if Im going to be able to help. Damnit mandie!
Carl, your tutor?
Mandie Murphy
January 8, 2007 at 4:43pm
Geology 101: Environmental. I have to do Calibrated Peer Reviews, exercises from a CD, pop-quizzes (which i typo-ed just now as poop-quizzes), and papers! Not to mention the normal stuff like 4 tests and an applicatory final! I will be enlisting my smart and ever so sweet best friend for his help. :)
Even though it's a year and 8 months later, I still feel better somehow, now that I know this is out there and that I stumbled upon it like I did, when I was really feeling down. And yet... it makes me so sad. Because I also found a message where John and I argued over how I could so easily erase Nick from my life and my explanation to John was that I was so tired of people always making decisions that effect my heart when I'm not even the one throwing around the ultimatum. Mikey and Kim Topp did it when it came to Aly and Shannon, Mike did it when it came to Alexandra, Luke did it, Meghan did it, and now... John fits in to that category too. I never asked him to choose, but without hesitation he backed everything she said, even though I'm looking at the very words we said that disprove her lies. And sadly, I erased John from my life even more successfully than I have Nick because I will speak to Nick if he's unfortunate enough to come in to my vicinity. Poor John would never see that civility. With his final words of, 'I guess this is it,' he solidified our fate. He broke my heart so many times that year with everything that happened between us, that with sam slapped on as our proverbial icing on the cake, it just hurt too much to stay. Not to mention I was banished by her, and he uttered nothing in my defense. Yet I thought our friendship could make it through anything, I really did. And every word I ever said to him, I said with conviction, truth, and so much heart. And he loved me despite all of that. He accepted and admired my grit and quirks, and flaws. Until that fateful fucking day when he threw himself in to my history book as one of the greatest heartbreaks of my life. I guess, in a strange way that's probably what he wanted. For my heart to break as much as his had. For me to feel for him how I felt for Tunink, Mahler, and Nick. They hurt my feelings because they didn't like me back. Nick destroyed me for... well, a lot of things, but John... he really did a number on me. Really knocked me down to nothing. And its something that I haven't 100% gotten up from, but having pieces and glimpses like that one I'm sharing here... well... I hope they help me in the resilience department.
Hey There Delilah
Mike. You were my best friend so long ago and now we have one of those relationships wehre if we saw eachother on the street it would be a fake friendly shallow conversation. and we promised we would never do that. it was so unfair to you mike. i see it so much clearer now. you must have hated me in a way. i miss you so much, and every day. i hate that. but i imagine it's my payback for how you must have felt through those years. you know, one night during my freshman year... i don't know what was happening but i kept thinking about you and this one idea kept at me. i thought how terrible it would be if i never got to kiss you again, if i never got to tell you how i really felt. i called you. i had to tell you and talk to you and figure it out. and you didn't answer. was it for the best? that's what i told myself. and i cried so much that night for everything that we had been through and because i couldn't find you but i never did anything about it. i know now that it spoke volumes about where i was at. and truly, i didn't recognize that you were in love with me. i didn't recognize that i was in love with you too. i wasn't ready mike, and i am so sorry. and i'm paying for it now, i promise you. it's so strange, i remember how heartbroken i was when you stopped being my friend, and i never imagined how heartbroken YOU must have been to stop being my friend in the first place. and you really meant everything to me, and you were my entire world. i measured every person in my life against you and yet i must have tortured you. god i can't imagine how much it hurt. how didn't i see it. i did, in a way, but i didn't want to see where you were coming from. i had never had a man be so good to me as you were, not before you and not since. and that kills me in such a big way. because as strange is it feels to think this way, especially because the mike i knew isn't even you anymore, i'm ready now for what you wanted them. i miss you so much that looking back at old messages between us make me cry. walt makes me cry. remembering everything we've been through breaks my heart and chips away at me so much. remember when you left poems on my car? remember visiting your sister? remember cheesecake at the band shell? i feel like i really am living in your letters now. all of our history takes me back to this place where i knew i was so loved by such a good guy, and that's all i want now. and ive questioned myself whether or not its because im alone and because i hate how we ended, but i love you so much still and i know that its not ever going to go away because every time i think about you i feel and think the exact same thing. i wish you were back in my life, and i wish i felt then how i feel now. it isn't fair, but i guess it makes sense. you had to live with knowing i didn't want to be with you and now i have to live with knowing i don't even get to have you in my life. it seems like a fair consequence but so unfair to my heart.
Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time?
I spend way too much time talking and not enough time doing. And I'm pretty sick of it.
Bury it, I won't let you bury it.
A lot of time has gone by, and suddenly I realize I'm looking back at four months of life without Trevor. And its absolutely blowing my mind. It feels like yesterday that my mom was cooing to me that I just needed to get some distance and time between us. That I needed the opportunity to rebuild a life for myself that didn't have him around every turn. New stories, memories, friends, triumphs, and falls... without him. I remember thinking "how impossible." I remember feeling so cut open at the thought that I might even have to consider a life without him. And when I look back to where I was four months ago, I think, "how could I have felt that way?" How did I let myself become so enveloped in the idea of Me and Him, and let the idea of what I wanted for MY life to just drift away..? You know when you hear people say that hindsight is 20/20? That notion seems to go out the window when it involves the heart, and I can honestly say that four months ago, I truly believed I was not going to get over this. I was so jaded. I remember the Me that was then, and I feel like I was hopped up on morphine. Couldn't see through this fog of... love? Well... whatever it was. And that scares me a little, honestly. That I can become so consumed, not see clearly, not think rationally. And I'm so glad I'm out of it now. So glad I've had the chance to get my whits together, collect my thoughts, and turn back in to me, instead of some love warewolf. Yet its so sad in a way, because I loved Trevor so much and thought so highly of him, and even though it was ignorant, and I had created that Trevor in my mind... well... it was nice, really. Ignorance really can be bliss. And now that its gone, its almost like he has died, and that does break my heart a little. I don't have this man in my life that I believed could do great things, and was an outstanding human being, and a caring lover. Having him, made me feel like there was some cosmic plan out there. Even thinking the words now, I know he was never any of those things. And it makes me fear this brain of mine, because I really did believe my life was perfect for awhile. That even though, now I can see clearly, and even though now I know the facts from the fiction, it was still nice when I got to believe the fiction as true. The question now... looking back at that year of my life, after I am 4 months out of it... the question is HOW? How was I so blind? He didn't do it to me, I did. And all I can say now is, damn my mind. It always seems to get me in to trouble. Maybe I should stop pretending like the feelings I get in the pit of my stomache are the same thing as clear and rational thought. But where would the fun be in any of that? Is it better to live like a dreamer and get your heart broken, or never let yourself fall in to the magic of possibility? I can't quite decide, but love is a magic here on earth, a drug I can't live without no matter how bad the crash is... and I don't think I want to give up the habit.
I found these two notes in my Outlook Express, and since they were personal thoughts, and I've really been mulling over some Trevor stuff lately... I had yet another dream about him 2 nights ago... I want to include it here:
DREAMS 10/14/08 10:51 AM
I've been dreaming about you lately. And it's been strange because I was just thinking to myself how I've never dreamed of you after our end. I dreamed about Dex all the time, for a long time. But not you. Now its happening. I think because I'm finally letting you go. And I really am letting you go now. Once I had a dream where you and I had broken up and I saw you somewhere and you missed me and I miss you and the dream ended with me holding you on a couch somewhere. Not together again, but with eachother again and I didn't have to miss you anymore. That blurb in a dream was all I dreamed of you until recently. The other night I had a dream that I was with yogi, john, mandi, kami, and others. We were being chased by... something. Horses? Something big and scary. And I remember running in to a building that was abandoned and there was a circus and a restaurant next door that i could see through windows. And there was a statue of these three bronze horses and suddenly I was outside looking at this fountain of horses. They called me back inside to hide, and so we did. I don't remember much else but we had to hide from something, and my car had been stolen. It was my corsica, and i had important things in that car and no one would tell us where the car was, though they had seen it. Only Kami and Mike helped me search for that car. Then we wound up needing to hide from something. The horses came alive and chased us. The horses were bad, and evil, and we never saw it coming. After it was all said and done, you were there. You came to see what were were doing or if we were alright or something like that. I was standing in a little room with you and one other person and as we were walking out you started to say something to me and I said that I knew and it wasn't a big deal. That you couldn't be there for me and that's ok. You said yea... I said you're dating chelsea again too arn't you and you said... i have been. Something like that. And i treated you like the day you came to pick up your stuff and i casually mentioned the fact that you trashed our bike. I was breaking on the inside but of course you would never know that. I had to be strong even in my dream.
Then last night, I had a dream that i was with my family. Only mom dad and john. It was dark and we were on a dock moving things to somewhere. The headlights glared and i knew we were getting some help from someone. Mike and you were there then. I saw Mike and hugged him, and then I realized that you were there. You looked different. How I imagine you might look as a man, or at least the physical representation of you becoming a man that is worth anything to me. Something along those lines. But you still looked like you. I couldn't believe my praents' gaul at asking him for help, especially now. But each of them just looked at me, including Mike, with a knowing glance... "Don't take this on, Mandie." That's what they were saying with their eyes. You were wearing a really strange green sweater, and i remember having the thought that it was ugly, but that you must have broadened your horizons because when i knew you, you wouldn't have been caught dead in anything like that. I didn't say anything to you at first because I am still so sad about us, but you started to say something to me to make that contact, and stopped. We all knew you wanted to do something, say something, change... something about the situation. Mike kind of nudged me toward you as mom and dad gave me a look. So I walked over and said oh come here give me a hug, and we both had big smiles on our faces. Mine was real as long as I only thought about the fact that I was with you again, but I faked it because it hurt so much. I don't know if you were happy or sad or indifferent because you never said anything else. I pulled away from you and got a wiff of cologne. A scent you hadn't worn when we were together, and it made me wonder if you were really growing up. Then you went about your work and so did I.
THINKING OF YOU 10/13/08 12:03 PM
I was thinking of you today, like most days. And you know what I keep coming back to? We were so unhappy. I heard in a song the other day, something about how happiness shouldn't be measured by the moments after you stop fighting. That's how I measured us. Always. That really wasnt fair or right to either of us. We both deserve to be so much happier than that. And that's what is really making this more ok for me, I think. Because sometimes, like on my birthday, I think about you hard and for a long time. And I miss you so much. And then I remember how our relationship actualy was, and though parts of it were fun happy and healthy... most of it wasn't. And I'm really letting all of that guilt that I had toward not being able to make you happier or healthier... go. I'm really becoming ok with the fact that you gave me everything you were capable of, but that it wasn't enough. And that's ok, because it just means that there is someone better for me. Someone more right, makes me happier. And I really do worry about you still, and think about you all of the time, but really I think about you in the same way that I think about Sophie, and how I felt so bad because she was too much for me and I couldn't be the right one for her. That's how I think of you anymore... I'm sad that we weren't right for eachother... and mostly, I'm sad because I feel that I failed you. And I know I shouldn't take that on, because its not my job to be your savior, you have to save yourself. But I loved you and I love you still, and if it were within my power to do it you would have been saved already. You would have been happy all along. Now I just have to deal with the pain that I cannot fix the one person I want more than anything to be fixed.
I found these two notes in my Outlook Express, and since they were personal thoughts, and I've really been mulling over some Trevor stuff lately... I had yet another dream about him 2 nights ago... I want to include it here:
DREAMS 10/14/08 10:51 AM
I've been dreaming about you lately. And it's been strange because I was just thinking to myself how I've never dreamed of you after our end. I dreamed about Dex all the time, for a long time. But not you. Now its happening. I think because I'm finally letting you go. And I really am letting you go now. Once I had a dream where you and I had broken up and I saw you somewhere and you missed me and I miss you and the dream ended with me holding you on a couch somewhere. Not together again, but with eachother again and I didn't have to miss you anymore. That blurb in a dream was all I dreamed of you until recently. The other night I had a dream that I was with yogi, john, mandi, kami, and others. We were being chased by... something. Horses? Something big and scary. And I remember running in to a building that was abandoned and there was a circus and a restaurant next door that i could see through windows. And there was a statue of these three bronze horses and suddenly I was outside looking at this fountain of horses. They called me back inside to hide, and so we did. I don't remember much else but we had to hide from something, and my car had been stolen. It was my corsica, and i had important things in that car and no one would tell us where the car was, though they had seen it. Only Kami and Mike helped me search for that car. Then we wound up needing to hide from something. The horses came alive and chased us. The horses were bad, and evil, and we never saw it coming. After it was all said and done, you were there. You came to see what were were doing or if we were alright or something like that. I was standing in a little room with you and one other person and as we were walking out you started to say something to me and I said that I knew and it wasn't a big deal. That you couldn't be there for me and that's ok. You said yea... I said you're dating chelsea again too arn't you and you said... i have been. Something like that. And i treated you like the day you came to pick up your stuff and i casually mentioned the fact that you trashed our bike. I was breaking on the inside but of course you would never know that. I had to be strong even in my dream.
Then last night, I had a dream that i was with my family. Only mom dad and john. It was dark and we were on a dock moving things to somewhere. The headlights glared and i knew we were getting some help from someone. Mike and you were there then. I saw Mike and hugged him, and then I realized that you were there. You looked different. How I imagine you might look as a man, or at least the physical representation of you becoming a man that is worth anything to me. Something along those lines. But you still looked like you. I couldn't believe my praents' gaul at asking him for help, especially now. But each of them just looked at me, including Mike, with a knowing glance... "Don't take this on, Mandie." That's what they were saying with their eyes. You were wearing a really strange green sweater, and i remember having the thought that it was ugly, but that you must have broadened your horizons because when i knew you, you wouldn't have been caught dead in anything like that. I didn't say anything to you at first because I am still so sad about us, but you started to say something to me to make that contact, and stopped. We all knew you wanted to do something, say something, change... something about the situation. Mike kind of nudged me toward you as mom and dad gave me a look. So I walked over and said oh come here give me a hug, and we both had big smiles on our faces. Mine was real as long as I only thought about the fact that I was with you again, but I faked it because it hurt so much. I don't know if you were happy or sad or indifferent because you never said anything else. I pulled away from you and got a wiff of cologne. A scent you hadn't worn when we were together, and it made me wonder if you were really growing up. Then you went about your work and so did I.
THINKING OF YOU 10/13/08 12:03 PM
I was thinking of you today, like most days. And you know what I keep coming back to? We were so unhappy. I heard in a song the other day, something about how happiness shouldn't be measured by the moments after you stop fighting. That's how I measured us. Always. That really wasnt fair or right to either of us. We both deserve to be so much happier than that. And that's what is really making this more ok for me, I think. Because sometimes, like on my birthday, I think about you hard and for a long time. And I miss you so much. And then I remember how our relationship actualy was, and though parts of it were fun happy and healthy... most of it wasn't. And I'm really letting all of that guilt that I had toward not being able to make you happier or healthier... go. I'm really becoming ok with the fact that you gave me everything you were capable of, but that it wasn't enough. And that's ok, because it just means that there is someone better for me. Someone more right, makes me happier. And I really do worry about you still, and think about you all of the time, but really I think about you in the same way that I think about Sophie, and how I felt so bad because she was too much for me and I couldn't be the right one for her. That's how I think of you anymore... I'm sad that we weren't right for eachother... and mostly, I'm sad because I feel that I failed you. And I know I shouldn't take that on, because its not my job to be your savior, you have to save yourself. But I loved you and I love you still, and if it were within my power to do it you would have been saved already. You would have been happy all along. Now I just have to deal with the pain that I cannot fix the one person I want more than anything to be fixed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
